DISCLAIMER: In an effort to not falsely excite my family, let me just clarify that this letter is not some creative way of announcing my pregnancy. I am NOT pregnant. If all goes according to plan (which it usually doesn’t when God’s in control…), there won’t be some cutesy pregnancy reveal for a couple years.
Also, in my future perfect thinking, this little guy would precede a baby sister. I have an amazing older brother, thus I am fairly prejudice towards that sibling situation. So, when I talk about our family unit, that’s what i’m picturing, though I will be thrilled with whatever gender order our little Gardners come in.
I do hope Baby J looks something like this…
My dear little J,
I am both terrified and thrilled beyond imagination at the thought of you. I don’t know why God intrusts such beautiful, fragile beings to such broken people. Since God gives us the gift of life, He must equip us with the tools to protect it, therefore, I trust He has given provided us all that we need to love and care for your sweet self.
I can’t wait to stroke your fuzzy little head, nuzzle your soft neck, and just enjoy all of your baby-ness. I’m amazed that two people could create a person so marvelous and intricate. Know that I am in awe of your mere presence in our lives and pray for your already.
My prayers for you are often pleas for shelter from hurt, protection from evil, defense against wrong-doing. I realize those are enabling prayers. I most certainly want to shield you from harm, but I realize that is impossible and what I really want is for you to know where to turn when bad things happen. I want you to intimately know your Shelter from the storm, your Protector, your Defender. My precious J, you have a Father who loves you even more than is humanly possible. As you grow, cling to Him.
It will be a great joy to see you grow. If you’re anything like your dad, you’ll enjoy Legos and preaching to stuffed animals. You’ll probably enjoy making music too, and with any luck, you’ll inherit your dad’s singing ability not mine. We’d love you even if you did get my (un)tunefulness, though.
There’s a sappy, but true, quote that says “Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.” You know what, J? You can’t be exactly like your dad – that would be a bit weird – but you have an amazing model of a Godly man in your life. Not everyone has that gift. Take note of his caring spirit and soft heart. He is full of integrity and quiet strength.
Both your dad and Uncle Tim are great examples of what manliness is all about. Take note of their sensitivity. Little J, it’s okay to cry, to empathize and have compassion. Take note of how they treat women. Little J, it’s important to respect, esteem, and protect women. Take note of their relationship with family. Little J, be kind to your sister. She will be one of your biggest fans and greatest allies.
Though these are scattered thoughts to you, my beautiful boy, know that my feelings toward you will never be scattered. My love is unconditional. It pains me to know that I will fail. I will not be the perfect mom. But you have an Abba that IS perfect and won’t ever fail. I can rest well knowing that you were made in His image and held in His hands.
With a full heart of love and anticipation,
You can find all my letters here.
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