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Redefining “all in.” {Perspectives on Motherhood and Writing}

~ Emily ~ 4 Comments

If you’ve poked around the blog a bit, you’ll know that I became a first time mom in January. Though I’ve found much joy in this new role, I’ve struggled to find a balance between my need/love of writing and the demands of motherhood and marriage.  

As I considered picking the brains and hearts of all the wonderful momma writers I know, I realized I wasn’t the only person who would benefit from their advice and insight. I’m super excited to announce the Perspectives on Motherhood and Writing series. 

Every Tuesday this Fall, a talented mom and writer/blogger will be answering a few of my questions about balancing motherhood and writing. I want this series to be an avenue for women to share and encourage other women with their own wisdom and experience.

To give you a preview of what this series is all about, I answered my own questions! I hope you enjoy the series and make sure to check back next week for the first guest post.

Motherhood and Writing Emily

Why do you write/blog?

Writing helps me to connect with myself and blogging helps me to connect with others. It’s the way I process my day to day life and my relationship with God.

Though the majority of my writing stays hidden in the pages of copious journals, I choose to write publicly on my blog because of what Jean Fleming describes as an act of stewardship.

Revelations are graces from God not to be received lightly. For me, that means setting down on paper thoughts that might evaporate if left floating in the air. The ideas I explore, pray over, and chew on form a body of truth-in-process for me. I catch glimmers, fully intending to watch over them like a hen over her hatch. I return to these forming ideas, asking the Lord to correct, enlarge, and refine them.

Jean Fleming in Pursue the Intentional Life

Jean writes books to “honor revelation that [she] might preserve and return to it.” I write blogs posts to do the same. (Which is not to say that all my blog post are full of deep revelation…)

How long have you been writing/blogging?

I have a box full of journals in the garage with thoughts ranging from ten-year-old Emily to married Emily. I’ve been blogging since September 2012.

How has your current season of life impacted your writing/blogging?

We welcomed our first child in January this year (2014) and he has absolutely impacted my writing/blogging, as well as everything else in my life. Like with all new seasons of life, motherhood has required a shift in priorities. Writing and blogging have fallen down a few notches on my priority totem pole. I’ve struggled and pushed against that reality because writing is cathartic, creative, and fun for me. But, I’ve learned through experience that the more I force writing and blogging to happen, the less fruitful and joy-filled it is.

When I do something, I want to be all in. This season is teaching me to be gentle with myself – with my expectations, with my goals, and with my schedule. I can’t be “all-in” with blogging the way I think all-in should look. I’m having to redefine what all-in looks like for me in this season.

How has this season of life changed your writing habits?

In the last seven months, I have wondered so many times how I didn’t have posts going up on my blog every day before James arrived. Back then, writing was my only (unpaid) occupation and I was able to spend innumerable hours crafting posts.

This season has drastically cut the amount of time I have for non-mothering pursuits.  Writing is a long process for me, done best in large chunks of solitude. Those are few and far between right now and when they do come along, I’m always torn between writing and doing something practical, like cleaning the dried up pea puree crusted onto the dinning room floor.

Sleep has been better for my mental health than writing, so I’ve yet to develop the habit of rising earlier than James for a block of uninterrupted writing time.  That means my drafts folder is exploding and there’s a squadron of ideas floating around in my head that I will probably forget before they ever make it into a draft.

I try not to be on the computer when James is awake during the day, so the majority of my writing happens during naptime. If I really need/want to finish something that I’ve started that day, I will use some evening moments when Tim is home to complete a post. Tim blogs too, so we sometimes have blogging dates after James goes to bed.

What is your writing/blogging battle cry?

My blog was originally called Primitive Roads: navigating life’s unpaved paths. You can read the longer version, but basically I was inspired to start a blog during a major transition in our life and wanted a place to document the things that help me through the more rustic moments of life’s ever changing seasons.

Though I shifted to personal branding recently, the heart behind Primitive Roads still applies. I’m passionate about pursuing an intentional life in every season, recognizing that God is sovereign in every season. I want my writing to encourage others to embrace whatever season of life they’re in, both the macro and the micro seasons.

How does faith, writing, and motherhood intersect in your daily life?

When I get frustrated and bummed out that my ebook isn’t finished, that a post didn’t get written, or that my blog design is outdated, I have to return to the reality of what I know God has called me to in this season. The Lord has given me a precious son to love and care for, and everything else has to fit in around my faith and my family.

When I succeed in keeping my priorities straight, my choices are dictated by what would make me the best imitator of Christ and best wife/mom. Sometimes that looks like picking up the house, taking a nap, reading a book, or going for a walk instead of writing.

When I do choose to write, I want my words to be a source of encouragement, hope, and love.

The One Question Experiment

~ Emily ~ 8 Comments

Could asking your spouse just one question every day for one month transform your marriage?

Tim and I would both readily admit that communication isn’t a strong suit in our marriage. A goal? Yes. A strength? Not so much. I was tired of letting conflict and misunderstandings be the impetus for improvement, so I decided to get intentional about bettering our communication. And I decided to do it without telling Tim. (The irony of that is not lost on me…)

I’m easily overwhelmed these days, and I also have a tendency to make a production out of the smallest project. With that in mind, I dismissed grand ideas like finding a communication curriculum of some sort or forcing Tim into deep, emotionally driven conversations every evening after James went to sleep.

Instead, I opted for a simple addition to our daily routine – one question. One question seemed doable. It was intentional, but not overwhelming. It was small, but had the potential to make a big impact. For me, one of the hardest parts about communication is opening the dialogue. Tim and I talk throughout the day of course, but I often feel silly and awkward starting a conversation about my feelings, whether it’s a relationship frustration that’s been niggling or a spiritual insight I had that morning. Asking questions seemed like a good means of practicing “the start” of communication in a non-threatening way.

One Question Experiment

Here’s how I organized this little One Question Experiment:

  • I created a master list of 31 open-ended questions.
  • The list remained hidden from Tim. I would refer to the list every morning to familiarize myself with that day’s question.
  • I would ask the question during dinner, except for Wednesdays when Tim generally eats dinner on the fly before youth group.

I culled various blog posts to curate my list of questions, which ran the gamut of lighthearted and random to serious and introspective. I added extra questions as I thought of them because sometimes I couldn’t help but ask the next day’s question, too. It was challenging for me to be inconspicuous about my question asking. I’m sure those with more skill in the art of conversation would find a better question segue than, “So…”

The goal was for Tim to remain in the dark about my intentional question asking until the experiment was over. I had visions of a big reveal at the end of the month. Something that involved shock, dimmed lights, communication breakthroughs, and a few tears of admiration. However, like you’ll find out in my recap, Tim caught on to my question experiment pretty early. (Probably all those so’s.)

The similarities between my One Question Experiment and a spiritual discipline struck me as I was preparing to add this new habit to our daily lives. Spiritual disciplines are practices that help us connect with God. They take time and effort but result in deeper, stronger faith. Communication is a practice, a marriage discipline if you will, that helps us connect with our spouse. It takes time and effort but results in a deeper, stronger marriage.

The One Question Experiment is over, and I can’t make any “become a master communicator in 31 days” claims. One question doesn’t make a great communicator, but one question might lead to another question or might make you feel more comfortable talking about that tough situation going on at work or might just give you good old fashioned practice in the art of conversation.

Did asking Tim one question every day for a month transform our marriage? Yes, I think it did. Not in the splashy, snap your fingers and we’re a whole new couple kind of way. Our transformation was a matter of habit and ease. We were reminded how fun it is to get to know each other like when we were dating. We were reminded to talk about the small stuff as well as the big things. We were reminded that communication gets easier the more you do it.

The One Question Experiment Questions

  1. What makes you most fulfilled or happiest as a father?
  2. What is your dream destination and why?
  3. What area of your spiritual walk do you want to improve?
  4. Bungee jump or jump out of a plane?
  5. Who’s one person in your life who inspires you to be a better person?
  6. If you could have witnessed one biblical event, what would it be and why?
  7. Are you more like Fred or Ricky? (We’ve been watching I Love Lucy…)
  8. What’s one personal quality you’d like to improve? How can I help?
  9. What are your top five favorite foods? (Bonus: Put one on next week’s menu.)
  10. What was your very first impression of me?
  11. What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a husband?
  12. What is the best way to encourage you when you’re down?
  13. What kind of gifts do you like?
  14. If you could only go on one ride at Disneyland, what would it be?
  15. What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a man?
  16. What’s your favorite hymn and why?
  17. How would you like to celebrate our tenth anniversary?
  18. What do you fear the most?
  19. How have you changed since we got married?
  20. Judging from my actions and words, what are my priorities?
  21. What’s the best way to communicate respect?
  22. What’s your favorite memory of our wedding day?
  23. What is one thing you must do before you die?
  24. What have you been learning about God lately?
  25. What’s the best part of each season?
  26. What are the strengths of our marriage?
  27. What 3 things would you tell your 16 year old self?
  28. How would you spend a day without your phone?
  29. What are 3 of your favorite things about our family?
  30. What have you learned this week?
  31. If you weren’t a youth pastor (insert your spouse’s job here), what would you be?
  32. Who’s a couple you admire and why? (Bonus: If they live close, invite the over for dinner!)
  33. What big award would you like to win?
  34. How should we celebrate getting out of debt?

The One Question Experiment Recap

“What’s with all these questions?” says Tim on day ONE. I got that a lot before Tim figured out what I was up to, which happened on day twelve. Even though I had to come clean about my purposeful question asking, it was fun to have Tim in on the project as well. There was a new sense of expectation for the day’s question.

Be prepared to give your own answer. Tim never let me off the hook.

Involve dinner guests in the One Question Experiment. One of my favorite days was discussing question 27 with my siblings-in-law.

Curb your expectations. Some questions won’t turn into the scintillating conversation you were hoping for. That’s okay. Keep plugging along.

Questions can lead to healthy changes. My answer to question 3 led to a change in our prayer patterns.

Are you a good communicator? Give us some tips/encouragement/advice in the comments!

Other posts you’d probably be into:

The Marriage Disciplines

~ Emily ~ 1 Comment

There were definitely a few things I was apprehensive about when Tim and I got married (thank you, pre-marital counseling), but communication wasn’t one of them. I quickly discovered that the intensity of my desire to be a good communicator did not necessarily match my actual communication skills.

My ability to craft a winning speech or talk for hours on a date weren’t the tools I needed in the face of conflict and day-to-day life with another person. I may have a rich, complex internal dialogue, but that didn’t really translate within a marriage relationship.

The type of transparent communication I coveted wasn’t going to grow from complacency. I knew I needed to practice – practice voicing my feelings, articulating my thoughts, and encouraging Tim to do the same. But it’s easy to grow comfortable when your relationship is going smoothly. My commitment to bettering our communication would fade until the provocation of an argument or a misunderstanding brought the need to light again. My concern would reappear until our conflict was resolved and the business of life and our daily routine buried any urgency.

Bettering our communication would require intentional practice, patience, and discipline.

Discipline isn’t something I generally associate with marriage. Discipline makes me think of parenting and meeting personal fitness goals. But I also think of discipline as it relates to our spiritual lives. Spiritual disciplines are practices that put us in a better posture to connect with God. They don’t always come naturally and require intentional practice, patience, and, as the name implies, discipline.

Marriage Disciplines

In the same way, I believe there are marriage disciplines – practices that put us in a better posture to connect with our spouse. These practices don’t always come naturally, but through intentional practice, patience, and discipline they help our marriages grow deep and strong.

The marriage discipline concept sprung to life in my mind and heart as I considered ways Tim and I could work on our communication. Framing the challenging aspects of growing in that area as a marriage discipline made the effort seem worthwhile because I know how much spiritual disciplines like simplicity, lectio divina, and journaling have transformed my relationship with Christ. Wouldn’t investing in disciplines like couples prayer, love languages, and communication be equally transformative in a marriage relationship?

I’m convinced that they would. And I’m acting on that conviction. Stay tuned for how I’ve been practicing the marriage discipline of communication and how you can, too!

Surprised by Motherhood: my story

~ Emily ~ Leave a comment

For me, motherhood was quite literally a surprise. Tim and I had been trying – trying not to have a baby, yet. I was thinking three years into our marriage would be nice. Maybe then I would have done all the things I thought I should do before having a baby.

So, when I woke up that morning feeling pretty nauseous, I took a pregnancy test not because I really thought I was pregnant, but because the idea of being pregnant would niggle at me until I ruled it out completely.

I left the test on the bathroom floor to percolate and promptly got distracted by dirty dishes and unpacking the house we had just moved into the week prior. It wasn’t until I almost stepped on the white stick on my way to the toilet that I remembered I was waiting on some important news.

I bent down. Paused. Blinked. Bent down further. Two blue lines were staring back at me from the bathroom floor.

This wasn’t a hubby’s home early, it’s a brand new car, I aced my test kind of surprise. There was no confetti, no candles, no cake. I even took four more tests in the next 36 hours to confirm it actually was the surprise we thought it was.

From the very start, motherhood was a surprise. And if the last 15 months is any indicator, I will continue to be surprised by motherhood.Surprised by Motherhood

I was surprised by the anxiety and fear that gripped my heart at every doctors appointment.

I was surprised by the grief I felt as my season of life changed.

I was surprised by the struggles I had with my growing body. (Well, knowing my history, that wasn’t a big surprise.)

I was (pleasantly) surprised by the way the development our little one was knitting Tim and I closer together.

I was surprised at how much love a heart can hold for such a small person.

I am surprised by how something could be so hard and so wonderful all at the same time.

I am surprised by the grace and joy so intricately woven into everyday with our son.

I am continually surprised by God’s faithfulness to meet me right where I am.

~~~

 

It’s hard to see the significance when you’re so weighed down by the mundane. And it can feel like everyone else around you is busy doing big, important things while you have worn the same spit-up-stained sweatpants three days in a row.

Lisa-Jo Baker in Surprised by Motherhood

The journey to, from, and around motherhood is a sprawling story with often complicated plot lines. Lisa-Jo Baker shares her journey in Surprised by Motherhood. Her story is beautifully written and engaging, grace-filled and encouraging. I cried, I laughed, and I amen’d my way through her tale of loss and redemption. It’s a must read for any mom!

But, I believe God loves us too much to leave us flailing in our self-centered universes, so He delivers these tiny reflections of ourselves into our homes with earthquake effectiveness.

Lisa-Jo Baker in Surprised by Motherhood

On vulnerability, battle cries, and Glennon Melton

~ Emily ~ Leave a comment

When writers commit to vulnerability in their work, they are inviting readers into the most sensitive areas of their lives. Layer upon layer of garments, grit, and grime are shed with every word until nothing is left but the bare essentials. Authenticity and truth-telling leave a person naked and unarmed. It’s both a scary and freeing place to be.

Too often, we view vulnerability like a super power, treating those who possess the uncanny ability to be completely honest like they are made of cold, hard steel, brandishing their mistakes and faults like a sword. What we view as a weapon is hardly even a shield. Instead of deflecting or conquering pain and trials, authenticity leaves people bare and unprotected.

It’s easy to respond with judgement even though the battle cry of vulnerability is, “I’m human. I’m just like you!”

We heap on expectations and assumptions like transparency equals perfection. The fact is, authenticity and vulnerability don’t exempt one from mistakes. Truth-tellers are brave, but they are not invincible.

Carry On, Warrior

Glennon Melton, of Momastery.com, is well-known for being one of those brave truth-tellers. She has made a name for herself writing about faith, marriage, and motherhood with an honesty that can be shocking, humorous, and heart wrenching all at the same time.

The blogosphere has come to honor and glorify this type of all-or-nothing honesty and, in turn, readers have come to demand it.  But, we don’t always remember that life is a process. What is true and real right now may not be true and real a week, a month, a year from now. It is unreasonable to apply static standards to the ever shifting seasons of life.

Most of my readers have agreed to an unwritten rule that we don’t use the truth’s I tell against me… I walk onto this field every day without armor or weapons, by choice, and so the risk is that every once in a while, someone will shoot. It happens, it hurts, and it always makes me want to quit writing.

Glennon in Carry On, Warrior

I have been guilty of being a sniper, standing on the sidelines applying static standards to the conclusions someone has made about the ever shifting seasons of in their life. As a consumer and producer of this type of honesty, I want grace and tenderness to infuse my response to vulnerability. I want to see past the point where my views intersect with theirs and appreciate where our thoughts may diverge.

It is with this in mind that I read Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, Glennon’s collection of new essays and best-loved material from her blog.

Glennon is unflinchingly honest about her “brutiful” life, sharing the ins and outs of addiction, a shotgun marriage, motherhood, and friendship. Her perspective on life and faith will appeal to Millennial Christians who are frustrated by the anti-this, anti-that sentiments prevalent in religion today.

I didn’t always resonate with her sense of humor (though I won’t go to the dentist without thinking of her) and her challenges with motherhood/marriage aren’t quite the same as mine, but I found her honesty disarming in the best of ways.

There were gems like this:

But when your miracle doesn’t happen the way you planned, it becomes important to look for peripheral miracles. Peripheral miracles are those that aren’t directly in front of you. They’re not the ones on which you’ve been too damned focused. You have to turn your head to see peripheral miracles.

Carry On, Warrior (261)

And, since the book contained selections from her blog, I will be able to refer back to some of my favorite pieces.

And then, there were the pieces that reminded me of other writers I love and admire and their unique battle cry.

Overall, I enjoyed reading Carry On, Warrior – in part for the reason I think everyone should read Can I Ask That and also for those little gems that challenge and bloom into truth for the giver and receiver.

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