Some women embrace motherhood. Others are embraced by motherhood. But either way, it changes all of us in ways we never expected.
When Your Internal Processor is Sleep Deprived
One very difficult aspect of life with a baby is not operating on full cylinders. Sleep is in short supply, making your body tired and your mind weary. I could deal with the physical ramifications alright if only my brain would function properly. For an internal processor, lack of sleep means less energy to, you guessed it, process!
When my processing is truncated, my hormonally driven mood swings are magnified in an unflattering manner. If something tousles with my routine or my ability to care for James, I can’t properly think things through. I don’t have time to journal about it (because, really, my extra time should be spent sleeping), and I don’t have the mental wherewithal to sort it out while I’m on the go before it effects my relationships and attitude. If I choose to think or journal instead of sleep, my family suffers at the hand of a mom short on patience and a wife short on warmth and grace.
Being Over Doing
Part of the problem is my inability, or unwillingness, to just BE in this season. And not be something I’ve concocted out of unrealistic expectations. I haven’t been allowing myself to just be, for better or worse, in the imperfections of this stage of my life.
I’ve expected myself to be a well rested, well processed person again and I’m finding that close to impossible. Maybe if I weren’t also expecting myself to remain well read, well nourished, and well exercised (for the sake of parallelism, we’re going to let that one slide…). Those things take a kind of effort that I am short on right now. I am constantly striving, stretching, and pushing to meet those expectations that I’ve missed the sitting with this season – the being.
Why struggle when I could just BE – be a mom who lets go of guilt and unreasonable expectations. Who is reconciled to having an unmade bed. Who goes for a 15 minute walk around the block instead of getting to the gym every day. Who is okay with being 10 pounds heavier than she would like instead of constantly hungry and sore. Who is fine with being a consumer of blogs instead of a producer. Who is okay with being behind on her reading list because she read five board books in a row. Who is okay with being unshowered and sloppy in order to catch a few winkies with the baby. Who is okay with being attentive to God’s presence in the everyday instead of forcing a traditional quiet time. Who is okay with being in-process instead of processed.
I want to be a mom who is finding joy in just BEING a mom.