I watched Tim vacuum our living room with a mixture of anticipation and agitation. Our vast expanse of uncluttered carpet was going to be piled high with furniture and boxes in a matter of hours.
Twelve days ago, we had watched our possessions being loaded on to a large van. Those boxes and pieces of furniture would later be transfered to an even larger freight truck, then hauled North on its way to Idaho. The next day, we made a much more direct and speedy journey to our new home. Blueberry, my trusty Honda Accord, was packed with clothes, bedding, and a few other items we had deemed necessary for survival during a week (or so) sans the majority of our stuff.
Even after a trip to Target yielded a cart full of items to make our apartment functional, the empty spaces around the place were a bit startling – at first. I quickly got used to eating frozen pizza on an upturned laundry basket and sleeping on an air mattress. When we got a couch, I was shocked at the amount of space it seemed to occupy. In reality, it was just odd to have a large object amidst the nothingness.
After reading Organized Simplicity a couple months ago, God has been reshaping my attitude about living intentionally. Tim and I went through a great purge before we moved and I’ve enjoyed the beginning stages of pairing down our belongings. Though this week of simplicity has had challenges – no oven mitt to take out aforementioned pizza, not wanting to buy hangers when we have some on their way, colder temperatures than we were prepared for in the clothing department – I realized I was growing attached to our stark apartment landscape.
So, on one hand, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of our coffee maker (yes, I am a caffeine addict), books, and real bed (oh to be at least a foot off the ground…). It will be lovely to cook for new friends in an operational kitchen and hang family photos in the living room, but I know that with the delivery of our possessions comes a healthy dose of distraction. I am wary of being consumed by the task of unpacking, by the desire to make things perfect.
My prayer is that the process of unpacking would be an exercise in thanksgiving, an act of praise for His provision. As we create a home out of our apartment, it is my desire to give joy as an offering to the One who has given to us abundantly in life and love.
Rejoice, you people of Jerusalem! Rejoice in the LORD your God! For the rain he sends demonstrates his faithfulness. Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring. {Joel 2:23}
What a journey you have ahead! In your small (and by small, I mean tall and semi-chubby) self, you have no idea what joy and pain, triumphs and failures, love and heartache, adventures and mishaps are waiting for you.
I don’t want to alter your path too much with my words from the future. I am grateful, though vexed at times, for the lessons I learned from your choices. I would, however, like to offer some encouragement, and maybe a pointer or two, to make the coming years less of an emotional roller coaster.
Be Yourself!
Life got a lot more enjoyable when you began to embody who God created you to be. Unfortunately for you, it wasn’t until college that you really started to act like yourself, and even then, you had days so driven by the whims of other people, Emily was nowhere to be found.
I realize it takes time, and trial and error, to discover who you are. The process of discovery never really stops; but, the more you look to the Lord – the author of the life you live – the more confident you’ll be that YOU are speaking, acting, thinking, believing, not other people.
With that in mind: embrace your height, wear lace, start a book club, get your groove on, speak up in class, bake for everyone you know (and don’t know), share your faith boldly. Indeed, people will judge, but at least they will be judging the real you, not who you think they want to judge.
Clippings from the Senior issue of the Tartan Shield, my high school newspaper. I was on staff for three years. {Ashley was my Maid of Honor}
About boys…
Teenage love is swirling around you in all its hand-holding, texting, and movie going glory. The idea of a guy liking you is a heady thought, especially that guy you’ve liked since 6th grade and will continue to like all through high school.
Baking his name in cookies, toilet papering his house, and endlessly instant messaging him may seem like good ideas, but probably come off as a tad bit overeager (desperate, maybe?). The triumph of getting him to admit that he thinks you’re pretty isn’t worth the endless hours you obsess and journal about him.
God seems a bit cruel, not allowing some romantic action to develop over the years. Yes, a date to just one school dance would be nice, but deep down you know you only want to go for the dress. Don’t fret, you’ll get to wear a beautiful dress when it really counts. God isn’t being cruel; He’s keeping you all to Himself until both you and the one who will cherish and care for you is ready.
I don’t want to give too much away (just wait until you find out where your “meet cute” is…), but know that your future husband meets everything on the list you so diligently made and has qualities you didn’t know you needed.
In light of all that, you won’t have a boyfriend until you’re 24 and that boyfriend will become your husband. You saved your first kiss for him. You saved your whole self for him.
It was worth it!
Reach out!
Friends don’t make themselves. Your dependence on others to create friendships for you is unnecessary and puts strain on the ones that matter the most. I know there are others around you who have the same difficulty moving past “Hello. How are you.” Those people are friends in the making!
Shyness is not an excuse. Come to find out, you aren’t shy. Reserved, yes. Introverted, yes. Shy, no.
Look beyond yourself and reach out to those around you. Not everyone you meet needs to become your bosom friend, but love and caring without prejudice should go without saying.
Reach out to the girl who gleefully pointed out the mating moths before 4th period. Reach out to the foreign exchange student who’s too smart for his own good. Reach out to the forlorn girl in PE who obviously has “sadness in her heart,” as mom would say.
On beauty…
I am hesitant to say much on the topic of beauty and self-image, not because you don’t need encouragement, but because I am so vastly in need of the same encouragement. I don’t know what to say to keep you from negative self-talk and strict food intake. You have already begun to build your self perception around a worldly standard.
Your family, your friends, your husband will spend many hours affirming you. Their encouragement will all be for not if a confidence in Christ’s unconditional love for you doesn’t remain strong.
If you internalize anything from this letter, let it be this: You are valuable. Your value isn’t directly linked to any sort of physical attribute or personality trait. Your value is given by God Almighty.
Put your God goggles on and believe what you see.
In parting:
You will begin to notice a theme develop as God molds and shapes your heart and your path. He never works when or how you want Him to work. Initially, that’s quite frustrating and works directly against your perfectionist modus operandi, however, you cannot deny that God knows. He just knows…
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
{Ephesians 3:19-21}
Amen, indeed, Emmy – Amen!
~~~~~~~~
Emily P. Freeman, author of Grace for the Good Girl, has written a second book geared toward young women. It’s called Graceful and Emily shares:
For the good test taker and the strict list maker. For the rule follower, the fear wallower, the messy, and the misunderstood. For the self-critic, the silent judge, and the girl who feels invisible.
For the girl who is tired of trying and the one afraid to fail.
You don’t have to be perfect, but do you trust the One who is? The God who came to save you also came to live with you, in you, today.
She encouraged others to remember what it was like to be a teenager again. Many of us took that challenge and turned our reflections into letters to our young souls. You can find a link up of other letters on Emily’s website Chatting at The Sky. She has even created a wonderful video to spread the message of Graceful.
Based on my perfectionist and overly studious tendencies, it’s not a major shocker that I was an obsessive note taker in school. During lectures, in my textbooks, from a power point, I would be making notes. Even though I’ve been out of school for four years and, thus, not pouring over textbooks and the like, I generally read for pleasure with a pencil in hand, making notes or underling quotes I like or find interesting.
Note taking has leaked into my devotional time as well. My Bible is underlined and scribbled in – there’s even a smiley face and doodle or two. Not only does this help me engage with what I’m reading, it also helps me recall what I learned when I run into it again. And let me be honest, parts of the Bible can get a bit dry. Sometimes I just need an external occupation to keep me interested and interacting with the words that I’m reading.
Regardless of my motivation for reading the Bible with pen in hand, I’ve always been blown away by how God has used those notes to meet me where I am.
He works in such timely and unexpected ways. During the three hour solo time at high school summer camp (July. Lake Shasta. Houseboats!), I ran into some of my Bible scribblings.
A year ago when NewSong was at houseboats, I was at Hume Lake as a jr. high counselor with my old church. It was a really difficult week for me. My parents had just left for a month. My boyfriend of a month was unreachable because Verizon cell reception is nil at Hume. My worth as a leader was being rocked because of the abundance of peppy Hume staff. I was feeling lonely, uncertain and way out of my comfort zone.
Already feeling discouraged, I sought refuge in the Psalms. David’s honesty and ability to praise God amidst his struggles has always been encouraging – and I was feeling in need of some encouraging. I decided to read a Psalm a day, beginning at Psalm 35.
Wednesday’s Psalm, in particular, gave me a sense of peace. In Psalm 37, David says, “find rest in the Lord. Do not fret. It only causes harm.” Not only was I being a major fret face, but I was fretting over misplaced priorities. Pining after Tim and feeling inadequate as a leader were keeping me from serving selflessly. After some initial resistance, I was able to start surrendering my desires for the future and move past some of my insecurities – at least put them aside while I was supposed to be pouring into students.
Fast-forward 12 months and I’m at the park during solo time, following along with the devotion for Friday. I flip open to Psalm 37 as directed. A date was printed above it. 7.13.11. Exactly one year after finding solace in those words at Hume Lake, God directed me to the same Psalm.
Though I was not dealing with the same type of fretfulness, God knew I needed to read David’s words again. That boyfriend from a year before was now my husband and we had spent many months in the ups and downs of a ministry job search. I went in to the houseboats trip needing direction, confirmation, and peace about the most recent developments in Tim’s job hunt.
God spoke a specific exhortation and encouragement to my heart from Psalm 37.
Exhortation:
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. (v.5)
In my efforts to be in the know and manipulate circumstances to fit how I envision things should go, I don’t always abide by this simple formula:
Commit. Trust. Let God do His thing.
Encouragement:
The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. (vv. 23-24)
Even though I don’t always follow the aforementioned formula, God takes great pleasure in orchestrating every detail of my life. I can certainly trip myself up, but He won’t let me fall. My hand is held fast and firm in His own grip.
I am holding you by your right hand — I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, ‘Do not be afraid. I am here to help you. Isaiah 41:3
Curled up on my parent’s couch, I wonder if I’ve come full circle. I’ve sat on this couch for years – watching Saturday morning cartoons with my siblings, stretching out to do homework, chatting with friends and family. I celebrated the monumental and the trivial in this living room. I mourned the loss of precious people in this living room. I grew physically, emotionally, and spiritually in this living room. I lived in this space with people I love.
It seems fitting that I would spend my last night living in this house sleeping on the couch. Husband is on a twin in my old bedroom. Most of our possessions were loaded onto a moving van this morning, the remainder packed tightly into Blueberry for our three day trek to Idaho.
This couch is a period, the punctuation concluding a fantastic chapter in my story. Since my life is such a page turner (or so i’d like to think), i’m anxious to read what’s next. A year ago, 6 months ago, heck, 2 months ago, I would not have guessed Idaho was part of the next chapter for me and Tim.
God has proven a trustworthy author thus far, so, in faith, the pages continue to turn. A new chapter for Team Gardner begins tomorrow morning!
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it’s the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Even after a trip to Target yielded a cart full of items to make our apartment functional, the empty spaces around the place were a bit startling – at first. I quickly got used to eating frozen pizza on an upturned laundry basket and sleeping on an air mattress. When we got a couch, I was shocked at the amount of space it seemed to occupy. In reality, it was just odd to have a large object amidst the nothingness.
Emily C Gardner 