In Response to Disappointment

I was no stranger to that queasy feeling – a nausea deep in the pit of my stomach. I’d had it during my pep flags try out, at the end of my year book interview, on my first date. I wasn’t getting sick and I hadn’t eaten anything growing mold. No, I was anxiously waiting. Waiting on results. Waiting on hope.

Today I was waiting on an announcement. For the past few weeks, Tim and I have been feverishly entering a photo contest to win a trip to a family ministry conference in California. Various circumstances had made winning this contest our only hope of attending this year. And for various reasons, we wanted this trip, this experience, real bad: 1. The conference is fantastic. 2. We could both use the spiritual/ministry refreshment. 3. It’s California, and that means seeing friends and loved ones (and sunshine and In N Out and sunshine…).

So, I waited, and obsessively checked Instagram and went for a walk and tried to read a book, all with that queasy feeling growing more intense. Four thirty rolled around and I saw the announcement as my Twitter feed refreshed. The congrats was all in caps, but my name wasn’t next to it. The queasy feeling was quickly replaced by disappointment and a few tears.

I texted my disappointment to a couple people and just barely resisted the urge to make brownies or eat a whole pint of salted caramel gelato (you think I’m kidding…). None of this was about winning, it was about not losing out on the conference and California. Now that I’ve been able to sit with that reality for a few hours, God is revealing and reminding me about a few things:

Disappointment

  • I’m suffering more from a sense of entitlement than from disappointment. It’s hard not to feel like God messed up, like we deserved to go to the conference and He let us down. That kind of attitude belies a sense of entitlement that is completely unfounded.
  • Since I saw that tweet, I’ve been a total gloomy goose, but that attitude isn’t productive either. No one is going to retract their decision because I pouted enough.
  • Just like worry, prolonged disappointment doesn’t add even a second to the day – it distracts us from God and detracts from our quality of life.
  • In the same vein, the time I spent striving to win and obsessing about whether we’d be able to go or not didn’t add anything to my life or guarantee success in any way.
  • God doesn’t owe us anything. I actually caught myself thinking, “How is God going to make up for this?” Yeesh…
  • “God must have other plans” doesn’t mean He has other plans to get us what we want. Often times the “no” is the other, better plan that God has for us.

That last point is the hardest for me to accept, because it puts the kibosh on my perfectly laid plans. It’s further proof that my desires don’t always match up with God’s desires.

Though I couldn’t resist scarfing some Pretzel M&Ms and briefly considered the legitimacy of creating a Kickstarter campaign to fund a trip to this conference, I am choosing to mold my response to this disappointment around the truths above.

Low-Fat Banana Bundt Cake

Low-Fat Banana Bundt Cake

People get really loyal about their banana bread recipes. I’m no exception. I use my Auntie Lo’s recipe almost exclusively. However, there are times when branching out is a good thing. This Banana Bundt Cake is no exception. (I realize this is technically a cake, but it’s banana and you could bake it in a loaf pan, so it qualifies as a banana bread in my mind.)

When you’re a sweet toothed, carb addict who is trying to make wise food choices, low-fat and cake in the same recipe is a beautiful partnership. My mom had already vetted a couple muffin recipes from the Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites cookbook I talked about in this month’s Twitterature post, so we were intrigued by the banana cake that fit that glorious description.

Many things can go wrong with low-fat baked goods. Some aren’t sweet enough (for me), others have a weird texture due to reduced amounts of butter and/or eggs. Some just have that “too-healthy” stank on them. But this dense, flavorful cake? None of the above.

Banana Bundt Cake Ingredients

Bananas and unsweetened applesauce add moistness to balance the reduced oil content. Brown sugar’s molasses undertones provide strong flavor and just enough sweetness to make this a viable dessert. The whipped egg white to egg yolk ration is perfect, cutting out some cholesterol while still maintaining a tight, rich crumb. I’m a sucker for anything with nutmeg (homey and festive, right?), and I loved how the unexpected spice in this cake made the banana flavor more complex.

Banana Bundt Cake Process

The recipe calls for baking in a Bundt pan (which is how I baked it), but my mom has made it twice in a 9-inch springform with great results. Slices of any shape are perfect for tucking into lunch boxes or nibbling on in the afternoon. I love mine with a plop of peanut butter and a cup of tea in the morning. But, it is a cake, so we’ve served it with a cloud of lightly sweetened whipped cream to rave reviews. I can also envision it with a dusting of powdered sugar and berries or a drizzle of homemade caramel sauce.

whipped cream

Whatever way you serve it, this Low-Fat Banana Bundt Cake is worth having in your banana repertoire. As with most banana baked goods, it tastes even better then next day.

Budget tips:

  • Unless your family eats a lot of unsweetened applesauce, buy a pack of the individual snack sized applesauces. You’ll have enough to make three cakes without worrying about the applesauce spoiling.
  • Buy overly ripe bananas instead of waiting for regular ones to get hinky. Grocery stores sell bags of brown bananas for cheap. You can even freeze mashed banana to use later (which is what you see in the photo of ingredients above).

Do you have a favorite banana baked good recipe?

Low-Fat Banana Bundt Cake

Banana Bundt Cake recipe

A dense and delicious banana cake for anytime of day! Adapted from Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites: Flavorful Recipes For Healthful Meals

  • 2 1/2 cups unbleached flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 2 egg yolks
  • 1 cup mashed bananas
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
  • 1/3 cup vegetable oil
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 4 egg whites

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Lightly coat a 10-inch Bundt pan (or 9-inch springform) with cooking spray.

In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, baking powder, salt, nutmeg, and brown sugar. Mix well and set aside.

Combine the egg yolks, bananas, applesauce, oil, and vanilla. Add the banana mixture to the dry ingredients and stir just until evenly blended.

Beat the egg whites until stiff but not dry. Gently fold the egg whites into the banana batter with a spatula. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for 60 minutes, until the cake begins to pull away from the sides of the pan and a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool on rack for 10 minutes and then invert onto a plate.

Store in an airtight container.

Serves 16

Per serving: 140 calories, 3.5 grams protein, 5.8 grams fat, 18.6 grams carbs

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My Favorite Biblical Fiction {plus a giveaway!}

Fact to Fiction

Christian fiction doesn’t have to be simpy or saccharine. There are plenty of fantastic faith-based novels that don’t involve Amish people or unrealistic teenage love. Books like Dear Mr. Knightley by Katherine Reay and Deadline by Randy Alcorn have a subtle spirituality that is both thought provoking and challenging to one’s faith.

Biblical fiction is a genre all its own in the wide world of Christian literature. There are some good and some bad, but I think it’s a valuable category of books that shouldn’t be ignored. I’m over on Kindred Grace today sharing my favorite biblical fiction authors and novels. The best part? Moody and Tyndale have provided multiple sets of books for a few lucky KG readers. Be sure to comment (on the KG post) for a chance to win!

Do you read biblical fiction? I would love to hear your favorites!

when your mom goes back home

Wednesday was a tough day. A rather silent trip to the airport ended my mom’s two month stay in Coeur d’Alene. Her presence for the birth of James was so special and her companionship and help during the subsequent weeks was a huge blessing to our new family of three. Though I’m feeling a bit bereft in the wake of her absence, her departure has made me realize a few important things – permit me to share some conclusions?

  • There’s nothing like having your own children to make you appreciate your mom. I’ve never been short on appreciation for my momma, but being a mom now makes me marvel at mine. I find it difficult to squeeze in a daily shower, but she was a working, single mom for six years and did both with aplomb! She was/is a an abundant source of love and encouragement, which was so evident in her joyful service to us as we welcomed James into our lives. I hope to model that same attitude for my own little family.
  • Raising children should be a community effort.  We live in an individualistic society that puts so much emphasis on being self-sufficient and independent. That attitude can stifle our ability to ask for help. As parents, we have the weight of responsibility for bringing up our children, and that’s a tough job! We need to feel free to admit we struggle and need others to share that responsibility sometimes. It’s not a sign of weakness to accept support from others, it’s a sign of wisdom.

weakness vs. wisdom

  • Community has to be intentional. This has been the most consistent lesson I’ve learned in my twenties. Community takes effort and it doesn’t happen overnight. The daily companionship my mom provided was priceless. Now it’s time to start developing more of those types of relationships with people who are here all year around because there’s no sense in being a martyr about a lack of community (which I am all to apt to do). In all my years I’ve never actively pursued community and come up empty. Chances are there are other mom’s in your same situation, wonderful older women who want to love on you, and new friends to be made if you just put yourself out there. I need to take my own advice…
  • Parenthood is another opportunity to leave and cleave. I’m super tight with my family so the initial leaving and cleaving when I got married was a bit difficult. Had God not put 2,500 miles between us, I would probably still have cleaving issues. Having a child requires a different type of leaving and cleaving. Tim and I are growing and stretching as a couple to accommodate our new addition. Our family has expanded and that requires a regrouping of sorts. I’m no longer just someone’s baby – I have one! Though I will always be my mom’s baby, I’ve added mother to my own identity and that changes the dynamics of our relationship.
  • In all things, there needs to be a sense of gratitude. I could spend way too much time bemoaning the fact that my mom is gone or that the transition is difficult, but that detracts from the joy of the past two months. What a gift! I would hate to diminish it by focusing on the negatives.

The Art of BEING

Some women embrace motherhood. Others are embraced by motherhood. But either way, it changes all of us in ways we never expected.

Kristen Welch in Rhinestone Jesus

The art of being

When Your Internal Processor is Sleep Deprived

One very difficult aspect of life with a baby is not operating on full cylinders. Sleep is in short supply, making your body tired and your mind weary. I could deal with the physical ramifications alright if only my brain would function properly. For an internal processor, lack of sleep means less energy to, you guessed it, process!

When my processing is truncated, my hormonally driven mood swings are magnified in an unflattering manner. If something tousles with my routine or my ability to care for James, I can’t properly think things through. I don’t have time to journal about it (because, really, my extra time should be spent sleeping), and I don’t have the mental wherewithal to sort it out while I’m on the go before it effects my relationships and attitude. If I choose to think or journal instead of sleep, my family suffers at the hand of a mom short on patience and a wife short on warmth and grace.

Being Over Doing

Part of the problem is my inability, or unwillingness, to just BE in this season. And not be something I’ve concocted out of unrealistic expectations. I haven’t been allowing myself to just be, for better or worse, in the imperfections of this stage of my life.

I’ve expected myself to be a well rested, well processed person again and I’m finding that close to impossible. Maybe if I weren’t also expecting myself to remain well read, well nourished, and well exercised (for the sake of parallelism, we’re going to let that one slide…). Those things take a kind of effort that I am short on right now. I am constantly striving, stretching, and pushing to meet those expectations that I’ve missed the sitting with this season – the being.

Why struggle when I could just BE – be a mom who lets go of guilt and unreasonable expectations. Who is reconciled to having an unmade bed. Who goes for a 15 minute walk around the block instead of getting to the gym every day. Who is okay with being 10 pounds heavier than she would like instead of constantly hungry and sore. Who is fine with being a consumer of blogs instead of a producer. Who is okay with being behind on her reading list because she read five board books in a row. Who is okay with being unshowered and sloppy in order to catch a few winkies with the baby. Who is okay with being attentive to God’s presence in the everyday instead of forcing a traditional quiet time. Who is okay with being in-process instead of processed.

I want to be a mom who is finding joy in just BEING a mom.