Next Tuesday I’m scheduled for my second ultrasound. Tim and I will get to see our little one again and find out if BG is a boy or a girl. We’ve been counting down the days to this doctor’s appointment. It was incredible to see the small nugget of a person being formed at 8 weeks, so seeing his/her progress at 20 weeks is thrilling.
I’m beyond excited. And beyond terrified.
I shouldn’t be; there’s no reason for me to be alarmed. My pregnancy has been pretty smooth thus far. I was nauseous during the first three months but have yet to throw up, which for this barf-phobic gal is truly praiseworthy. All of my check-ups have gone splendidly – BG’s heart rate, my weight gain and blood pressure are all on track. I’ve been able to travel without complications. Tim is a sweet father-to-be and an exceedingly patient husband during this season.
But, I’m still terrified. The precious life Tim and I created is fragile, just like ours. There is no guarantee of health and safety. A multitude of things could go wrong in the next 20 weeks I carry our babe, some of which could be revealed next week at the ultrasound. The what-ifs are endless: mental handicaps, genetic diseases, physical deformities, a dangerous labor and delivery.
In my anxiety I tend to view God as a lawyer with His scales, apportioning blessings and catastrophes to each person, making sure that all is in balance. Despite the fact that I know this image of God doesn’t hold any weight scripturally, it feeds my worry. Subconsciously I think since I’ve had a good pregnancy thus far, I’m due for something to go wrong…
But God doesn’t use scales. We aren’t in a system of checks and balances. The truth is that bad things do happen. The doctors could find something wrong during my ultrasound. Labor could be horrific. I could develop some sort of third trimester barf reflex.
God doesn’t promise smooth sailing. He promises grace and love and strength and peace and healing. Grace that can cover our messy. Love that can stitch up our wounds. Strength that can get us through the unthinkable. Peace that can calm our irrational fears. Healing that brings new life.
In my excitement and terror, that’s where I want to camp out. I want to pitch my tent in green pastures, by still waters. God doesn’t dish out the good and the bad. He is Immanuel, God with us, in the good and the bad.
Emily C Gardner 
Emily, every young woman faces these same fears with each pregnancy. I believe that these “seasons” are so that God can show His mercy, grace, peace and strength as a counter to our fears. His Word says, “he does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind.” Your worry won’t stop with labor and delivery. You will worry when you bring him/her home, you will worry when you leave them in the church nursery the first time, you will worry when they go to school, drive a car, etc. It’s those times of worry that God’s presence is very real, bring peace and shows His tremendous love for us. After all, He loves our children more than we do (and that’s a lot). Thank you for your transparency in this post. Blessings on the new life that God is gifting you with.
Thanks for the encouragement Kathy!!
Em, I always love your transparency. Your feelings and fears are so normal for an expectant Mom. I remember experiencing many of those same things myself. I know you already know the things I’m going to tell you, but if they can encourage you in any way, remember this. Psalm 139:13-16 says… “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, you eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Romans 8:28 promises that “we know that He works all things together for our good if we love Him and are called according to His purpose.” In the Psalms He tells us that He always has our best at heart, and those who seek Him and walk with Him “will lack no good thing”. I also know that He equips us for what He calls us to do. So, Em… God has perfectly formed your precious baby, and He is right now equipping you to be the perfect Mom for that baby, and Tim the perfect Dad. God’s ways are higher than our ways, so we may not always agree with God’s plan at first, but I can guarantee you that it’s ALWAYS the BEST plan, and you can trust Him fully. You are so right that… “God doesn’t promise smooth sailing. He promises grace and love and strength and peace and healing.” You have no worries. The amazing God and creator of the entire universe knows every day of that precious baby’s life… and yours too. Rest in that and be filled with joy. :)
“He equips us for what He calls us to do.” I love that Sally! A truth I need to find peace and joy in… Thanks for all the sweet words of encouragement!