Tag: Marriage

The Reluctant Communicator

~ Emily ~ 20 Comments

reluctant communicator

Once upon a time, there was a girl who created a list.  This list wasn’t any ordinary list. This list was full of future perfect thinking.

Every line on this list described the qualities she wanted in her husband.  She described absolutes, hopes, and day dreams of what her husband would be like.  Some things were necessities like having a growing relationship with God, actively serving in some ministry, and being full of integrity.  Others were more sigh-inducing like having strong hands and being taller than her six-foot frame.

This girl had spent 24 years waiting on her future husband so she was confident about the things on her list.  She was also certain about the qualities she wanted to avoid. One of those things was a bad communicator.  She had witnessed the pitfalls and pain of mis communication in relationships and deeply wanted to avoid those trials.

When she met her tall youth pastor (with strong hands!), she was pleased at his communication skills.  He didn’t shy away from tough topics and was willing to spend a date night talking over coffee instead of hitting the movie theatre.  Her heart was swollen with delight that God had given her a communicative man who fit her list.

The girl and her man got married. Soon the girl realized that even with a good communicator boyfriend/fiance/husband, the two weren’t immune to communication issues.  What this girl hadn’t anticipated was her own struggles with communication and what effects they would have on the beginnings of her marriage.

~~~

Yup, that girl is me.

One of the most oft repeated pieces of marital advice I received was to “communicate, communicate, communicate!”. Despite being an English major who felt pretty confident in my ability to articulate opinions and beliefs, being single had left my relationship communication skills untested for a quarter century. In my focus on someone else’s qualities, I neglected to examine if I had some of those qualities.  Turns out, my communication skills had much room for improvement.

While Tim and I don’t have trouble talking, communicating is a different creature – one that I seemed to shy away from entirely.

I’m what you would call a reluctant communicator.

When faced with uncomfortable feelings, I withdraw. I don’t like to verbalize embarrassing emotions or express needs. Those things may create conflict and I have an extreme aversion to conflict. Not a realistic or healthy attitude for any relationship…

My sorry tactic for conflict avoidance is to have conversations with myself, processing internally. As a result, I leave Tim in the dust wondering why I’m upset or how I’ve arrived at certain conclusions. My journal gets more conversation time than my husband sometimes.

Here are two habits I’ve tried to adopt to combat my communication reluctance:

  1. Include your husband when you process. I will always be an internal processor, but that doesn’t mean I have to exclude my husband.  Once I’ve had some time to think, I try to reiterate my train of thought to Tim.  Not only does Tim gives valuable feedback, often hearing my thoughts out loud brings a whole new dimension to my though processes.  Even if you’re processing something potentially conflict producing, sharing where you’re at and how you arrived at those thoughts and feelings does more for a relationship than resolving the issue internally.
  2. Share your heart with your husband first. As a blogger who values transparency, my posts are very real and very indicative of what’s currently in my heart.  It’s easier for me to articulate with pen and paper so writing is my communication style of choice and is often where I turn first.  I need to share the inner workings of Emily Gardner with Tim before I share it with the blogosphere.  Husbands commit their lives, hearts, and bodies to us, and we should show that commitment respect by giving them first dibs on our hearts, lives, and bodies.

 

Those two habits are habits – they don’t come naturally to me and I don’t always succeed. However, the fruit born from these habits is oh so sweet. Important details of doing life with someone can easily be glazed over when you’re a reluctant communicator.  I don’t want to miss out on sharing myself with Tim because I was reluctant to speak up and let him into my life.

~~~

Don’t miss out on what Kayse, Monica, Jamie, and Kelly have to say about communication!

Check out the other posts in this series: Service. Laughter. Sex

How To Maintain A High-Maintenance Marriage

~ Emily ~ 6 Comments

Is your marriage high-maintenance?

My initial reaction to that question was an indignant, “of course not!”.

I definitely have Miss Piggy qualities, but Tim’s Kermit temperament keeps our relationship fairly even keel.  To me, high-maintenance is demanding, troublesome, and exhausting. I certainly wouldn’t describe my marriage with those words.

But, what if high-maintenance is more universal than personalities?

Marriage is a rich and rewarding relationship, but developing a healthy marriage takes effort.  Growth is not passive. I’m discovering just how important it is for both Tim and I to take an active role in making our marriage thrive. Carrying on in marriage maintenance mode will barely scratch the surface of God’s purpose for our lives together.

Developing a thriving marriage requires our attention. It takes work to keep a marriage in good condition. Isn’t that what being high-maintenance is really about?

If a high-maintenance marriage is about working hard, being intentional, and having a grace-filled attitude, then I want a high-maintenance marriage.

Please join me and a few friends as we look at a few aspects of marriage that really need to be high-maintenance. Every Monday in the month of February we will take on one of these topics.

Kayse Pratt, the brain child of this collaborative series, Monica Steely, Kelly, and I are looking forward to this marriage conversation, starting with communication on February 4th!

 

Six Things I’ve Learned in Six Months of Marriage

~ Emily ~ 1 Comment

Tim and I celebrated our six month anniversary on Sunday!

In the process of adjusting to married life and consistent disorder, I’ve learned many new things about myself.  Six qualities stick out to me as I reflect over my first six months of marriage.

I’m sharing  the six things I learned in six months of marriage over on Kayse Pratt‘s blog: Live Authentically, Laugh Joyfully, Love Intentionally.

Even the blogosphere is a small world.  Turns out Kayse and I lived in neighboring cities for a year without knowing hide nor hair of each other! Now we live in different states, but I’m excited to be part of her internet home today.

Read all about what I learned in six months of marriage and then poke around Kayse’s delightful and encouraging blog!

Vows

~ Emily ~ 4 Comments

God never ceases to amaze me with His timing.  I feel like a broken record because I’m floored over and over again about how He orchestrates life in a way that is undeniably His doing.

Last week, Tim and I attended the Friday and Saturday sessions of A Weekend To Remember, a marriage conference put on by Family Life.  The nature of Tim’s work precluded us from going to the last day of sessions.  Providentially, Coeur d’Alene Resort was hosting the conference two weekends in a row. Tim was able to skip out of church a bit early yesterday so we could complete our Weekend To Remember.

What started out to be a morning of rushing, hurt feelings, and silence was transformed into a special day because of God’s perfect timing and heart nudging.

Unbeknownst to me, every WTR concludes with couples renewing their vows.  Unbeknownst to the organizers of WTR, Sunday was our 6 month anniversary.   Six months earlier, Tim and I were exchanging our very own vows under a wooden arbor in Twin Peaks, CA.

So much has changed in a matter of months.  The vows we made to each other before God, family, and friends six months ago offer security and confidence as we face the transitions, thrills, tension, and triumphs of married life.

In a sea of men and women standing hand in hand, our voices joining in the chorus of other couples, Tim and I re-pledged our love and commitment to one another.

I was reminded that Tim and I committed to a life-long journey that doesn’t preclude hurt and frustration.  We vowed to remain united and pursuing Christ in spite of present pressures and tomorrow’s uncertainties.

Revisiting your vows is a great reminder that love is a choice, a choice that transcends circumstances.

 

The Beauty and Bounty of Passion

~ Emily ~ Leave a comment

I lay in bed yesterday reflecting on what a hard working husband I have. He is dedicated to his job and puts himself into all that he does. God has called him to serve youth, and he does so with a gentle, caring, and wholly-invested heart.

He is passionate about students and Christ, and that passion helps him tackle the difficult aspects of ministry.

While I was snug in my bed, he was working alongside other students and volunteers to clean up after our church’s harvest party. He may have shed his Friar Tuck costume, but he was still laboring for Christ.

Our passions motivate us to do things that are tiresome, unsavory, and stressful. They inspire us to be selfless in our actions and attitudes.

This is best displayed in Jesus’ life.  He was (and is, still) so passionately in love with us that He made the ultimate self-sacrifice.  He died to save His children.  In turn, our passion for Christ moves us to deny ourselves, pick up our cross, and follow Him.  (Matthew 16:24).

As witnessed by Tim’s passions resulting in service and sacrifice, the same pattern occurs on a smaller scale in our daily life.  Let me rephrase that.  It should happen in our day to day life.

But, if you’re like me, God ordained passions don’t always translate into selfless behavior.  It wasn’t until I lay there last night, reflecting on what a hard working man I married, that I realized where the disconnect occurs.

I’ve been missing the action step.  Those passions need to be expressed in motion and service.  Selflessness is a practice – the more you do it, the more natural it will become.

I can see the evidence of this missing step in my relationship with Tim.  I realize this may be stating the obvious, but I’m passionate about my husband.  I’m not just talking about being passionately in love with Tim ,but being passionate about supporting his calling to youth and family ministry.  I may not have the same calling, but I’m passionate about being an encouragement and a help to my husband as he pursues his passion for the Church.

In theory, my passion for Tim should spur me on to selfless service and support. To be honest, I haven’t been doing a great job in that department lately. I find myself consistently rebelling against opportunities to serve and put Tim first.

I am missing the action aspect working in conjunction with my passion to produce selfless fruit.  It took my husband’s example to illuminate this disconnect.

I have been relying on feelings to produce selfless love and support for Tim, but feelings can be fickle. I must put my passion to work.  Practicing love, patience, grace, encouragement, and forgiveness should work up a sweat.

A harvest doesn’t happen without tilling the soil, planting the seed, watering the plants, and reaping what was sewn.

Being selfless isn’t an automatic result of having a passion, but with diligence and hard work, passions produce God-honoring beauty and bounty.