Category: Marriage

Dear Wedding Well-wishers {31 Days of Letters}

~ Emily ~ 3 Comments

Dear Wedding Well-wishers,

I would like to propose that we think of a better way to inquire after a newly-married person’s life.  I include myself in this think-tank because I am just as guilty as anyone in this regard.  We mean well – we want to extend congratulations and see how the new man and wife are getting along – but asking, “How’s married life?” puts a new bride or groom in a tough spot.

Let me rephrase that.  It puts an honest person in a tough spot.  When most of us are just wanting to be nice and acknowledge the person’s new status, why ask a question that promotes the idea that marriage is a bed of roses?  The truth is, marriage takes work.  Acclimating to marriage, especially in the first few months, can be challenging.  Married life is full of adjustment, compromise, and self-sacrifice – all of which can be rather hard at times.

The difficult aspects of marriage do not diminish the joys and pleasures of married life (and aren’t those what we’re actually asking about when we inquire after a newlywed’s well-being anyway…).  For myself, I love being married to my best friend, living in the same house, sharing the same bed.  Those benefits of marriage can coexist quite happily with the tough parts.  However, I think most people don’t vocalize both sides to the married life coin as often as they are asked about it after the wedding.

When well-wishers like yourself asked me how married life is, I may have shocked them with my answer:  “Being married to Tim is wonderful, but married life is challenging right now.”  Tim and I, especially, faced a lot of transition and unknowns within the first few months of our marriage, which probably contributed to my transparent answer.

I realize not every couple has this type of start to their married life.  We didn’t have a home to call our own, and neither of us had permanent jobs.  Two months after we got married, we still had no idea where we would be moving.

I also realize that you well-wishers are well meaning.  But, if you’re looking for a one-word answer or small talk, you may want to rephrase how you ask about married life.  When you run across an open person, their answer may take you by surprise.

Sincerely,

Emily

 

You can find all my letters here.

For more information about the 31 Day Challenge, visit The Nester.

Dear Emily {31 Days of Letters}

~ Emily ~ Leave a comment

Dear Emily,

I realized, after writing you that previous letter, I had much more to say.  I could write an advice dictionary to you, with all of my words-to-the-wise in alphabetical order and explained in detail.  Though that would appeal to my type A personality, I think even my younger self would rebel against such blatant superiority.

Superiority is far from what I’m trying to communicate with any advice I give you. Sure, you make mistakes, but believe me when I say, you continue to make mistakes as you grow older and “wiser.”  However, in 25 years, I’ve begun to recognize a pattern in your mistakes and struggles.  You have an insatiable desire to do everything right and do it right the first time around.

There’s a danger in this striving for perfection that has made your journey seem more primitive than it needs to be.  You desperately seek God’s will and His direction for your life, but you focus on the minutia of His answer.  I’ve learned over the past 25 years that God’s still small voice likes to communicate the big picture.

Maybe that mode of communication is unique to us because God knows we spend too much time fixating on details.  Regardless, after years of burdened prayers asking God to reveal His will, that still small voice led me to a verse that becomes our hearts cry over and over again.  I’d like to make you privy to this knowledge a little earlier in hopes that you can avoid some tears and confusion.

It’s quite simple, really.  There are three things that always comprise God’s will for you: joy, prayer, and gratitude.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18}

Joy, constant prayer, and giving thanks are always God’s will.  The surest way to do the right thing the first time is to be joyful in any circumstance, steep your decisions in prayer, and give praise to God for the outcome.

My dear Em, even in their simplicity, all three are difficult to do without God’s strength and grace.  You won’t always choose to be joyful or choose prayer before action or choose to give thanks.  But, devote yourself to these disciplines. Pursuing them, even when you fail, is always more fruitful than striving after your own plans and purposes.

Sincerely,

Emily

You can find all my letters here.

For more information about the 31 Day Challenge, visit The Nester.

Dear Tim {31 Days of Letters}

~ Emily ~ 2 Comments

My Love,

I had this letter all planned out.  I was going to watch our wedding video while you were at work yesterday and comment on what a great reminder it is of our beginnings and our journey and our promises.  But then, this week happened, with its ups and downs, its stress.  Yesterday did not go as planned – instead of writing about how wonderful you are, I got to witness more examples of your wonderfulness in real time.

Part of your wonderfulness stems from a vulnerability I don’t often see in men.  I love that you share your thoughts, fears, feelings, joys, and concerns so honestly with me.   Your transparency is contagious and is often the nudge I need to look beyond myself, to take down the blinders of self-focus.

Part of your wonderfulness comes from the passions I see God growing in your heart.  Your desire to see students follow after Christ is powerful.  I see your love and care for young people etched on your heart everyday as you engage in ministry.  You have stretched my own heart in this area as we serve and partner together.

Part of your wonderfulness is how you love me.  Your love makes me feel cherished, beautiful, desired, adored, and respected.  Your love makes me feel known.  You know me and you still love me.  Your love gives me a glimpse of God’s love.  If you love me despite my selfishness and sin, why do I doubt that God could love me in the same (and even greater) way?

Part of your wonderfulness is just YOU!  I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

I am more proud of you everyday.  I am more in love with you everyday.  I am more grateful to God that you are my husband everyday.

Happy five monthiversary!

Love,

Your Em

You can find all my letters here.

For more information about the 31 Day Challenge, visit The Nester.

The Curtain Incident

~ Emily ~ 2 Comments

My trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond was already too long.  I had agonized over what curtains to get.  My cart and I had already circumnavigated the store once with a steel blue color before I decided that blue wasn’t neutral enough.  Back to the curtain nook to swap colors, I finally checked out and made my way back home.

I measured and screwed and leveled the hardware for the extension rod, pleased that I hadn’t lost my handy-woman skills.  In the midst of adjusting the rod, a quick snap left my curtains drooping on one side.  I had managed to step on excess fabric, bending the cheap metal at a rakish angle.

Immediately, I am peeved.  Not only was I the one to ruin our new wall hanging, I wasted part of my afternoon working on a project that I didn’t complete.  Woe unto Tim, who was a witness to my huffing and puffing at the decorating turn of events.  I would barely acknowledge his efforts to straighten the rod or purchase a sturdier (ie: clumsy foot proof) one.

Right before this decorating disaster occurred, I had been listening to last Sunday’s message from my church back home, per my mom’s recommendation. Her text read: “Bruce’s sermon was direct and excellent.  Worth a listen if you have a chance.”

Well, I had purposely created a chance to listen while I was putting up curtains.  Little did I know God was crafting a very real sermon illustration in the process. Direct and excellent, indeed…

Pastor Bruce’s sermon was on James 1:19-21.

 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

He had just finished describing the Greek word for anger when I turned it off because Tim came home.  The curtain rod incident ensued as detailed above.  When Tim went back to work, hurried on by my pouting and childish attitude, I rewound the sermon just a bit and pressed play, only to hear Pastor Bruce redefine anger again.  In verse 19, James uses the Greek word ὀργήν, which has multiple layers of meaning.  ὀργήν is an anger defined by inner frustration, deep resentment, and seething, smoldering feelings.

Inner frustration – Check.  Deep resentment – Check.  Smoldering and seething – Check.

I was so frustrated at myself for stepping on that darn curtain and wasting time on a project that didn’t get any closer to completion.  Frustration turned into resentment of the situation and my lameness.  In five minutes, I wasn’t able to contain my smoldering irritation.

This alone would have been bad enough, but I had a physical witness to my childish behavior.  I wasn’t angry at Tim, but my feelings leeched out in my attitude, making me irritable and unavailable when he was only trying to be helpful.  My inner frustration caused emotional distance to wedge between us and gave me a an outlook far from joyful.

“…for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

I’m ashamed that it took curtains to show me what truth lies in that statement.

 Update: Sadly, there’s a part two to this story…

Dear Jackie: a letter to my husband’s ex-girlfriend

~ Emily ~ 6 Comments

 

Dear Jackie,

We’ve never met and, if it weren’t for my new last name, we probably would have completed our time on this side of eternity without crossing paths.  Though you may be completely unaware of my existence, I am poignantly aware of yours.

You see, we have a special man in common.  His name is Tim Gardner, your boyfriend from college.  He got married recently and I’m the lucky gal.  If you were so inclined to offer congratulations, let me stop you.  I cannot in good conscience accept any type of well-wishes from you without apologizing.

I developed a deep resentment towards you from the moment I heard about you.  Though our relationships with Tim turned out differently, I have let bitterness grow in my heart because of the mere fact that you shared a relationship at all.

Since I am now intimately acquainted with what it’s like to date Tim, my mind focuses on the elements of that relationship we must’ve had in common.  You had two years to kiss, to say “I love you”, and to talk about marriage.

Everything in me wants to begrudge you those kisses, those sweet nothings, those dreams, but I cannot knowingly resent you for acting on natural instinct.  God designed us for relationship.  My resentment is unwarranted albeit still powerful.

Tim was my first boyfriend and I was selfishly irritated that God didn’t allow me to have the same gift.  I laid the blame from what I thought was unfair mostly on you.  Not only did was I being unfair with my blame, I was also exhibiting a deeply off-base view of how God operates.

Hence, my need to apologize.  Jesus’ words about coming before God with a clean heart continue to nag my mind.

You’ve heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder,” and whoever murders will be in danger of judgement.  But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgement…Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.  {Matthew 5:21-24}

I want to hang on tight to my envy and distaste.  I’ve used you as a scapegoat for my insecurities and fears.  I let my bitterness overshadow reality, blaming you for my own baggage.  None of this is useful or productive.  You don’t deserve my resentment.

I am sorry for disliking you for 16 months.  What precious time I have wasted in pursuit of nothing.  My heart aches for what could have been accomplished in both our marriages had I been praying for you instead of holding you in contempt.

Please forgive me my foolishness.

Sincerely,

Emily

      You can find all my letters here.

For more information about the 31 Day Challenge, visit The Nester.