Category: Marriage

My Valentine From God

~ Emily ~ Leave a comment

I was a Valentine’s Day hater. Growing up, I never had a sweetheart/boyfriend/date and I developed quite the callused skin towards this holiday that celebrated what I lacked. Valentine’s Day wasn’t devoid of joy – my mom always made a red dinner, which meant we got to have Cherry 7-Up – but I sorely missed those lovey dovey feelings associated with February 14th.

I quickly overlooked the eternal source of everlasting love in favor of pining after an earthly relationship. If only someone would ask me out or bring me flowers or write me a sweet note. My if only’s distracted me from someone who was wanting and willing to profess his undying love and adoration.

Tim and I are celebrating our first married Valentine’s Day this year. It’s full of love, but I still ache to remember the years past. I’m still learning to find value in Christ not in other people. I’m still learning to feel like a beautiful, handcrafted woman. I’m still learning to accept God’s unswerving love.

In an effort to remind myself of the primitive road my love life has been and the hope I have in Christ for the future of my love life with Tim, I wrote a valentine. It’s from God to me. It’s from God to you.

Like me, you may have passed the life stage found in this love note, but may the sentiment be an encouragement to you, right where you are. Maybe this will prompt prayers for others on the journey. Maybe this will elicit prayers for yourself. Either way, let God’s love deeply penetrate your heart and may His love fill your cup tomorrow.

The valentine is published on Kindred Grace. Read it here.

Hug Me: Learning Your Husband’s Love Language

~ Emily ~ 18 Comments

Tim and I had our first love language conversation on June 13th, 2012. I remember the date because it’s my brother’s birthday AND because it was the first time, 3 days after we started dating, that Tim and I held hands.

The glorious feeling of his warm, strong fingers circling my own, always cold, hand may have influenced my love language conclusions during that first discussion.

I readily stated that among words of affirmation and acts of service, one of my love languages was physical touch. I figured that heady feeling whenever Tim wrapped his arm around me or kissed my forehead was a sure sign I heard love through physical affection.

My conclusions were sorely misguided.

Tim, on the other hand, was completely accurate when he said his love language was physical touch. This discrepancy has been a source of struggle for me since we got married. I love Tim, but I like to love him the way I love in general – through words of affirmation and acts of service – not through physical touch.

I do my love for Tim a diservice by not speaking his love language. It’s also dangerous if Tim doesn’t hear my love. I’ve learned that one of the greatest acts of service you can give your husband is learning his love language and speaking it fluently.

Service takes sacrifice and it’s a sacrifice to put his love language above the one you naturally give. It’s so challenging, yet so worth it.

Hug Me!

Our Story: Hug Me!

As I shared above, I discovered the importance of learning Tim’s love language when I realized ours were so vastly different. I’m an internal processor, so when I’m upset or frustrated, I’d rather be alone. I’ll avoid physical contact or, if Tim captures me in a hug before I can cold shoulder my way out of it, I’ll stand there lifeless in his arms. (I’m cringing as I admit this.)

In those moments, when an intentional display of physical affection is intrusive to my processing, Tim needs that hug or hand on his back to know that we are alright. For Tim, physical touch is less about sexual intimacy and more about physical closeness. Hugs feel safe and reassuring.  Holding hands or rubbing his neck communicates the “good” status of our relationship. Without these, he feels isolated and unloved.

It was disheartening to realize that the way I deal with conflict and express my affection both communicated the exact opposite of love to Tim. Learning Tim’s love language has been difficult for me, and actually speaking it is a daily choice that I don’t always choose. Both Tim and I are just embarking on the journey of learning to speak each other’s love languages.

The Choice To Serve

Whether love languages is new to you or old news, serving your husband in this way is vitally important to maintaining a healthy marriage.

  • Have a candid conversation about love languages. Get the book if you need somewhere to start. Share how you give and receive love.
  • Be honest and specific about your love language. It’s important that you both recognize each others expressions of love. Finish sentences like: “Love is when I do…” and “Love is when I say…”.
  • Acknowledge and appreciate your husband’s love language. You can’t change the way your spouse is wired. God made him that way.
  • Accept love from his love language. I know I’m suggesting that spouses should learn and speak their partner’s love language, but your husband may not be there quite yet. If he isn’t speaking your love language, pray for receptivity towards the way he gives love. Grace is an important player as you learn to give and receive love.
  • Be intentional about learning his love language. It’s not something that will come naturally. For me, this looks like reaching out first, random acts of physical affection, and, in conflict, staying physically present.
  • Practice! When I studied abroad in Italy, I didn’t learn to speak Italian in the classroom.  I learned Italian by living with an Italian family, having conversation dates with an Italian friend, and forcing myself to use Italian while ordering my cappuccino. It was rough and embarrassing at first, but by the time I left Italy, I was conversationally fluent. The same goes for learning a love language. It takes time and practice in real life situations, but fluency is possible.

All of this is still difficult for me. I outlined this post on Sunday morning and then failed miserably at exactly what I was writing about almost immediately. Hence the need for grace in this whole process.

Apology and HUGS later, I was even more convinced that speaking Tim’s love language was one of the best ways to serve my husband.

~~~

Pop on over to these blogs to read what they have to say about service in marriage:

Check out the other posts in this series: Communication. Laughter. Sex

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The Reluctant Communicator

~ Emily ~ 20 Comments

reluctant communicator

Once upon a time, there was a girl who created a list.  This list wasn’t any ordinary list. This list was full of future perfect thinking.

Every line on this list described the qualities she wanted in her husband.  She described absolutes, hopes, and day dreams of what her husband would be like.  Some things were necessities like having a growing relationship with God, actively serving in some ministry, and being full of integrity.  Others were more sigh-inducing like having strong hands and being taller than her six-foot frame.

This girl had spent 24 years waiting on her future husband so she was confident about the things on her list.  She was also certain about the qualities she wanted to avoid. One of those things was a bad communicator.  She had witnessed the pitfalls and pain of mis communication in relationships and deeply wanted to avoid those trials.

When she met her tall youth pastor (with strong hands!), she was pleased at his communication skills.  He didn’t shy away from tough topics and was willing to spend a date night talking over coffee instead of hitting the movie theatre.  Her heart was swollen with delight that God had given her a communicative man who fit her list.

The girl and her man got married. Soon the girl realized that even with a good communicator boyfriend/fiance/husband, the two weren’t immune to communication issues.  What this girl hadn’t anticipated was her own struggles with communication and what effects they would have on the beginnings of her marriage.

~~~

Yup, that girl is me.

One of the most oft repeated pieces of marital advice I received was to “communicate, communicate, communicate!”. Despite being an English major who felt pretty confident in my ability to articulate opinions and beliefs, being single had left my relationship communication skills untested for a quarter century. In my focus on someone else’s qualities, I neglected to examine if I had some of those qualities.  Turns out, my communication skills had much room for improvement.

While Tim and I don’t have trouble talking, communicating is a different creature – one that I seemed to shy away from entirely.

I’m what you would call a reluctant communicator.

When faced with uncomfortable feelings, I withdraw. I don’t like to verbalize embarrassing emotions or express needs. Those things may create conflict and I have an extreme aversion to conflict. Not a realistic or healthy attitude for any relationship…

My sorry tactic for conflict avoidance is to have conversations with myself, processing internally. As a result, I leave Tim in the dust wondering why I’m upset or how I’ve arrived at certain conclusions. My journal gets more conversation time than my husband sometimes.

Here are two habits I’ve tried to adopt to combat my communication reluctance:

  1. Include your husband when you process. I will always be an internal processor, but that doesn’t mean I have to exclude my husband.  Once I’ve had some time to think, I try to reiterate my train of thought to Tim.  Not only does Tim gives valuable feedback, often hearing my thoughts out loud brings a whole new dimension to my though processes.  Even if you’re processing something potentially conflict producing, sharing where you’re at and how you arrived at those thoughts and feelings does more for a relationship than resolving the issue internally.
  2. Share your heart with your husband first. As a blogger who values transparency, my posts are very real and very indicative of what’s currently in my heart.  It’s easier for me to articulate with pen and paper so writing is my communication style of choice and is often where I turn first.  I need to share the inner workings of Emily Gardner with Tim before I share it with the blogosphere.  Husbands commit their lives, hearts, and bodies to us, and we should show that commitment respect by giving them first dibs on our hearts, lives, and bodies.

 

Those two habits are habits – they don’t come naturally to me and I don’t always succeed. However, the fruit born from these habits is oh so sweet. Important details of doing life with someone can easily be glazed over when you’re a reluctant communicator.  I don’t want to miss out on sharing myself with Tim because I was reluctant to speak up and let him into my life.

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Don’t miss out on what Kayse, Monica, Jamie, and Kelly have to say about communication!

Check out the other posts in this series: Service. Laughter. Sex

How To Maintain A High-Maintenance Marriage

~ Emily ~ 6 Comments

Is your marriage high-maintenance?

My initial reaction to that question was an indignant, “of course not!”.

I definitely have Miss Piggy qualities, but Tim’s Kermit temperament keeps our relationship fairly even keel.  To me, high-maintenance is demanding, troublesome, and exhausting. I certainly wouldn’t describe my marriage with those words.

But, what if high-maintenance is more universal than personalities?

Marriage is a rich and rewarding relationship, but developing a healthy marriage takes effort.  Growth is not passive. I’m discovering just how important it is for both Tim and I to take an active role in making our marriage thrive. Carrying on in marriage maintenance mode will barely scratch the surface of God’s purpose for our lives together.

Developing a thriving marriage requires our attention. It takes work to keep a marriage in good condition. Isn’t that what being high-maintenance is really about?

If a high-maintenance marriage is about working hard, being intentional, and having a grace-filled attitude, then I want a high-maintenance marriage.

Please join me and a few friends as we look at a few aspects of marriage that really need to be high-maintenance. Every Monday in the month of February we will take on one of these topics.

Kayse Pratt, the brain child of this collaborative series, Monica Steely, Kelly, and I are looking forward to this marriage conversation, starting with communication on February 4th!

 

When It Doesn’t Feel Like Christmas

~ Emily ~ 2 Comments

Less than a week until Christmas?  I still can’t believe it.  It doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Christmas is generally sunny, about 70 degrees.  Christmas is waking up, romping up and down on my slumbering brother (yes, I did this in my twenties – don’t judge), and opening stockings before breakfast.  Christmas is lights in Naples, gum drop trees downtown, and a post-meal walk up Big Dalton canyon.

None of that is happening this year.  Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

I’m stuck in the sentimental space between Christmases past and Christmases in the future.  For a newlywed, this space is called Christmas Present.  As the marital status implies, everything is new.  New spouse.  New lodging.  New responsibilities.  New life.

Christmas Present is new, and for a holiday built on traditions and memories, new can take the feelings of Christmas right out of Christmas.

8Ways

So, how do you get Christmas back in Christmas?  Since I am currently waist deep in Christmas Present, my advice is fairly raw and being tested as I type.  In any case, here are the ways I’m approaching my first married Christmas:

  • Know that your feelings are okay. Marriage is a huge adjustment and holidays are part of the adjustment.  You are simultaneously mourning Christmas Past, trying to make it through Christmas Present, and hoping Christmas Future is better.  Give yourself a break.
  • Be honest with your spouse. Your feelings effect them, too!  I hesitate to talk about Christmas feelings because I don’t want Tim to feel bad.  Withdrawing (which is my default) makes him feel worse. Communicate!
  • Be honest with God. If you’re not used to speaking candidly with your Abba about how you feel, let David speak for you.  The Psalms are full of his heart, mind, and soul in song form.  If David can ask God, “Why?” and “What gives?” (Emily paraphrase), then you can pose the same questions.
  • Let God work on your feelings. Trying to force yourself into Christmas cheer isn’t going to get you very far. If you’re not feeling how you want to feel about Christmas Present, ask God for peace and joy, even in the newness.  If you’re feeling like me, you can even ask Him to help you want to have joy and peace in the newness.
  • Embrace the new. Don’t try to replicate Christmas Past. I have a good imagination, but jacking up the heater to 80 degrees, importing some palm trees, and creating cardboard cut-outs of my entire family just wouldn’t be the same as Christmases past.  Trying to recreate a SoCal Christmas in Northern Idaho is disappointment in the making.
  • Transform traditions. Is opening stockings your favorite part of Christmas morning? Stuff a stocking for your spouse or family member.  Always decorate Christmas cookies with your mom? Host a cookie exchange for college gals who might also be away from home. Not Christmas without a ham?  Try your hand at tamales instead.
  • Make new traditions. They probably won’t fill the Christmas Past void, but overtime new traditions will be special.  In fact, they will become the new Christmas Past. I know I will look back with fondness on the first time Tim cut down our own  tree, the first year our tree fell over, the first time Tim and I made Christmas dinner together, and our first Christmas in Coeur d’Alene.

Newlyweds: What are you doing to make Christmas Present feel like Christmas?

Married folks: What did you do to make your first married Christmas special?