Defining roles and goals for 2014

January 11, 2014 ~ Emily ~ 14 Comments

Defining roles and goals (1)

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I read Amy Lynn Andrews’ time management e-book, Tell Your Time, back in December (my review). I’m a sucker for anything related to organizing (even organizing your life), so I enjoyed reading about how she makes the most of her time; but, the thing I liked most about her book was the process by which she narrows down her daily activities. Amy starts broad by defining roles and slowly refines each role until she has simple action steps.

In thinking through the coming year, I decided Amy’s approach would be a great way to process how I plan to use my time in 2014. Especially with a new addition to the family, I want to be focused and intentional about what I choose to do each day.

annie dillard This is what I came up with for the coming year:

1. Roles: who am I?

Self: I loved the main principle of Brian Berry’s book As For Me and My Crazy House which boils down to – the best gift you can give your community and ministry is a healthy family; the best thing you can give your family is a healthy marriage; and the best thing you can give your marriage is a healthy self. For that reason, I need to be diligent about self-care, for the sake of my other relationships and roles.

Wife: I want my marriage to thrive. I want to continue to embrace and engage my relationship with Tim on every level.

Mother: The newest and most scary role for me.

Family Member (daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc): Mine happens to be spread out across the country, so maintaining these relationships (which are really important to me) take time and effort.

Home Manager: Tim is a fantastic co-manager, but because I don’t work outside the home I have more time to devote to this role. I could probably get a bit OCD about managing our home, but my main focus needs to be creating a happy, healthy atmosphere for my family.

Writer/Blogger: Writing is a passion and a way to process – an absolute must in my life. My blog is the main expression of this role.

2. Goals: what kind of {insert role} do I want to be?

Self: Authentic, discerning, grace-filled, intentional, representative of Christ.

Wife: An attentive and encouraging friend who is respectful and supportive of Tim’s whole self.

Mother: Present. Intentional. Encouraging. I want my child(ren) to know and love God. If they became readers, that would be great, too :)

Family Member: Loving, available, and communicative.

Home Manager: I want our home to be a haven for family and friends. I’d like to give up perfection in favor of being present with those I love. Good steward of our resources.

Writer/Blogger: Consistent. Authentic. Stretched. Growing.

3. The plan: what can I do as a {insert role here} that will move me toward being more {insert adjectives from above}? These are my goals fleshed out – the action steps I will take to achieve my goals in the short and long-term.

UPDATE 1/13/14: I thought of two other goals! Self: explore the Enneagram. Mother: Figure out a good system to document Baby James’ life (Project Life? Blurb books?).

Self:

Daily time with Jesus – Bible reading and journaling.
Regular exercise – not quite sure what this will look like with a newborn, but I’d like to start running again and taking classes at the gym.
Sleep – my whole family will suffer unless this is a priority, which means napping when James naps even if there’s dirty dishes or laundry to do.
Reading – not quantifying this one because I know having a baby will affect my time to do this, but I’m hoping an eventual feeding rhythm will allow for solid reading time.
Service – at church and in our community.

Wife:

Daily one-on-one time – when James is sleeping/occupied so I’m not distracted.
Monthly date-night – get out of the house!

Mother:

Prayer is the major specific action step I can think of because Tim and I are new to this parenting business. We’re going to need tons of grace and patience.
Breastfeeding – very much wanting this to be successful but knowing it’s a process.
Reading out loud – even if he just likes the pictures at this point.

Family Member:

Consistent email updates – to keep family posted on what’s new with the Gardner three.

Home Manager:

Finish unpacking – um, we’ve lived in our house for 8 months and there are still unpacked boxes (mostly decor and books).
Cull excess – unpacking is a great opportunity to sift through unnecessary stuff.
Purge and revamp wardrobe – I can’t tell you how excited I am to do this! I’ll save the details for another post.
Meal plan – to promote healthy eating and a stress-free dinner time.
Pay bills immediately – so they don’t clutter the kitchen counter.
Daily house de-clutter – so it doesn’t become a big project once a week.

Writer/Blogger:

Write something everyday – whether that’s journaling or a blog post.
Comment on blogs – because I want to encourage and engage other writers.
Limit back-end blog improvements to a specific day – so I don’t fritter away my writing time.
Read books about writing/blogging – I currently have several on my Kindle app, including: Blog at Home Mom by Christin Slade, How to Blog For Profit (Without Selling Your Soul) by Ruth Soukup, How to Write a Book by Evan Blackerby, On Becoming A Writer by Denise J. Hughes, 31 Days to Build a Better Blog by Darren Rowse, and Unblogger by Darrell Vesterfelt.

Of course, the next step would be to put these things into actual time slots. The type-A in me is all over that, but the grace-filled, realistic Emily knows I have no idea what life with a baby is going to look like, so I should just keep these goals in mind as Tim and I dive into this new adventure.

What are some roles and goals you have for 2014?

When You Don’t Give God Enough Time

January 7, 2014 ~ Emily ~ 3 Comments

When You don't... A mouse who likes cookies. And milk. And needs a haircut after checking his whiskers in the mirror for a milk mustache… I can relate. 1. I like cookies. and milk. 2. My choices – even the simple ones, like getting a glass of milk to go with a cookie – create a snowball effect that sometimes we don’t mean to create.

When you give a mouse a cookie…

That mouse’s story has been on my mind a lot lately. He goes on a wild journey, dragging his patient friend with him, all because he wanted milk with his cookie. I have gone on many a wild journey all because of a simple choice, and they haven’t all been joyful journeys.

Last Winter was one of those not-so-pleasant journeys. Tim and I were new to life in Idaho and I wasn’t adjusting well. I struggled to find community, to adjust to a new culture, and to embrace all four seasons. When Winter hit, I felt cold inside and out. I was anxious and grumpy. I was overly sensitive and competitive. I was negative and critical. I thought I did a pretty good job of keeping the worst of those feeling inside, but looking back I can see those emotions manifested quite clearly in my actions and attitudes.

Tim received the brunt of my failure to adjust. I cringe remembering how sour I was last year and how many opportunities to be a supportive and caring wife I missed while I pouted and complained. On top of that, I missed out on opportunity after opportunity to do something about the things I was unhappy about because I was too busy being selfish.

I wasn’t pleased with God’s plan for me; so I did my best to adjust on my own terms and it wasn’t working. at. all.

When you don’t give God enough time…

I like immediate solutions. I’m more likely to send up a prayer for help while I’m in the midst of trying to straighten out my own path than I am to slow down and ask God for direction before I start moving and shaking.

Now that I have a year of perspective on last Winter and my failure to adjust, I realize how much of my struggle was wrapped up in impatience. I wanted instant results. When I didn’t make bosom buddies right away, when I didn’t love Idaho immediately, when I didn’t feel connected at our church, I felt disappointed and irritated. If God was going to pull me from family, friends, community, and a location that I loved, why wasn’t He providing for my needs in our new environment?

If I was offered cookies, shouldn’t milk be offered, too?

I was blinded by my own timeline. I gave God a small window to show up with milk and when it didn’t happen, I gave up. I didn’t give God enough time and my new little family reaped the consequences.

A year after the cookies, I’m just beginning to sip the milk. God IS faithful to provide for our needs, but He does it on His timeline. And He does it in ways that don’t always match up with how we expected. [pullquote position=”right”]If I learned anything during the past year it’s that God changes hearts but He doesn’t change them without permission. [/pullquote]

Adjusting to anything is a process. Even with God’s hand guiding you it can be painful, but it’s certainly less painful when you aren’t resisting and ornery. Had I stepped back and allowed God to do His thing with a yielded and patient heart, I would have saved myself and those around me a lot of grief.

Sure, I definitely still miss the things we left behind, but I didn’t give God enough time to heal my heart in a healthy way, to be what I needed in that adjustment. And When you don’t give God enough time…

photo credit: _ALVARO! via photopin cc

How We Tell Our Story

December 23, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 6 Comments

my story

Today marks my 33rd week as a pregnant woman. For as much as that title has been on my heart and mind the past seven months, I haven’t written about this new stage of life very frequently. Other than a few mentions and our gender reveal, I’ve only written four posts* about pregnancy. Pretty minimal for someone (this girl, at least) who processes through writing.

Despite my commitment to authenticity, writing about my pregnancy put me in a tough spot. For one, I often felt too raw and unrefined in my journey to be writing anything constructive. Just thinking about the changes happening in my body and our little family were overwhelming enough, let alone trying to communicate those feelings. I could barely wrap my heart and mind around what the next nine months (and the rest of our lives) would hold.

Secondly, I didn’t want to proliferate the feelings of comparison that I was struggling, and still sometimes struggle, with. [pullquote]Pregnancy is a minefield of places to compare yourself to others.[/pullquote] There’s weight gain and maternity wardrobes, OBGYNs and delivery methods, energy levels and nausea on top of your overall mental state about being pregnant and having a baby. And where there is comparison there is also judgement. I would read/hear about other people’s experiences and compare my own. I would judge them and I would judge myself. I didn’t want any of my thoughts on pregnancy to promote comparison or judgement for others, so I just didn’t write much about my own experiences.

Then I got the most life-giving and encouraging pregnancy wisdom from a mom who also happens to be pregnant herself. After sharing some stories about labor and delivery, she went on to say that everyone has a different story. Each story is unique and that’s what makes them all beautiful. So simple and so freeing. [pullquote position=”right”]There is no right or wrong way to be pregnant, give birth, or be a mom.[/pullquote] I can embrace the story that God has written for me, and at the same time, I can appreciate the story that God has written for someone else.

I want to be a pregnant woman and a mom who finds joy in her own journey, and all of the uniquenesses therein. I also want to be a pregnant woman and a mom who encourages other women to find beauty in their own unique journey. That’s the motivation behind sharing any life experience, whether baby related or not. When our stories are similar, that’s great and I hope there is encouragement and support in the similarities. But when they differ, I hope you are still encouraged by a God who shows up in all sorts of stories.

*My 4 posts about pregnancy:

A guest post for Kayse Pratt about our failed attempt at family planning.
How Grief Gives Me Joy about allowing grief in order to embrace changing life seasons.
My Times Are In Your Hands about worrying.
When The Scales Tip about how God operates.

What Quinoa Taught Me About Marriage

December 18, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 4 Comments

Quinoa

Sitting back in my chair after a pleasant dinner, I watched our friend’s 8-month old twins scarf down their dessert – delicious looking, homemade energy bites. After inquiring about the recipe, I was informed that the chocolatey, peanut buttery Pinterest find was partially healthy because quinoa was the main ingredient.

“Have you ever had quinoa?” she asked. No sooner had, “I haven’t, but I’ve always wanted to try it” came out of my mouth did Tim pipe up with an enthusiastic, “I have!”.

For a guy who doesn’t like mushrooms, I was rather shocked. I’m sure the surprise was written all over my expression. As a culinary enthusiast and avid eater, I consider my palette well informed, so I was surprised Tim had tried a food I hadn’t. The surprise didn’t stop there. When I wondered out loud what restaurant he had tried quinoa at, Tim informed our little gathering that he had made it at home once or twice. I was so impressed that, as a bachelor, my husband had cooked quinoa, a fairly obscure grain, for dinner more than once.

That casual conversation around the table led to a fun discovery and an important reminder: [pullquote position=”right”]getting to know your spouse isn’t a one-time accomplishment. Husbands and wives should be life-long learners[/pullquote] – about each other!

Once the basics are out of the way – family, hobbies, goals, personality type – it’s easy to let learning take a back seat. You know you love the person, so much so that you chose to spend the rest of your life with them, but in the long run, that love isn’t a substitute for intimate knowledge.

My dating relationship with Tim started with hours and hours of conversation. Now, more than 18 months into our marriage and endless conversations later, I’m still learning new things about him. Some are fun facts, like his cooking habits; others are serious, like fears and past pain. All are worthwhile new discoveries.

Sometimes I feel bad when I find out I didn’t know something about Tim, but I’m realizing there’s no reason to feel like a bad spouse when you discover new things about the person you married. People change and there will always be more to discover about your bride or groom. That’s part of what makes relationships exciting.

life-long learner

Life-long learning can be passive, a la my quinoa discovery, but the benefits will be richer and more meaningful if the pursuit of knowledge is purposeful. Build time into your schedule to ask questions, try new things, and dig deeper into the person you married. Actively listen and engage when they speak. Study. Notice. Don’t forget to share the fun things you discover. It’s affirming to know someone appreciates your nuances and is excited to learn these new factoids.

All the new things I learn about Tim (the good, the bad, and the ugly) make me love and admire the man I married even more. So, why would I not continue to actively pursue learning about one of my favorite topics?

Life-long learning requires communication and conversation. If, like myself, those things don’t always come easy to you, check out these resources for jumpstarting your path to new discoveries:

The Joy Project – A long list of good Conversation Kick Starters for Couples
(affiliate link) Table Topics – Makes get to know you questions seem more like a game than an interrogation. Great for families too. (My family has used them for new significant others and to stimulate good dinner conversation).

What are some fun things you’ve learned about your spouse lately? How are you a life-long learner in your marriage?

P.S. I finally made quinoa for the first time last week! (I used this recipe for Broccoli Quinoa Casserole and it was delicious.)

photo credit: Bioversity International via photopin cc

How Grief Gives Me Joy

November 4, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 1 Comment

She said you carry them inside you, collecting them along the way, more and more and more selves inside you with each passing year, like those Russian dolls, stacking one inside the other, nesting themselves, waiting to be discovered, one and then another.

Shauna Niequist | Bread and Wine | 182

My Gramma had a set of Matryoshka (Russian) dolls. I remember carefully unlocking and lining up each new, smaller figure. The thin wood gave off such a distinct smell; I could almost smell the craftsmanship required to create that very set. Each doll had similar coloring and patterns but didn’t look identical to the one before or the one she held inside. Now, years later, I cannot think of a better picture of this process called life. Though the core of who God created us to be remains intact, we develop different layers as we mature. Each layer, like those stacking dolls, is still inside, making up our history, filling out the person who we have and will become. Our season in life and our circumstances help form the current shell, but we can unpack those former selves with some simple pressure on the seams that hold us together.

Sometimes I can’t wait to jump into a newer and bigger self. I’m all too eager to cover up my previous model and start filing out the roomy interior of my new circumstances. Although there were nerve-racking elements to the transition between high school and college, that was one time I was ready to move on. I wanted to explore a new place, stretch my intellectual, spiritual, and social muscles in a different arena. Distance and youthful energy helped me snap the college Emily shut over her high school counterpart.

Then there are the times I have a hard time clipping the newest doll over the old one. I’m not ready for the changes that come with a new season. I fear the old doll, my old self, will be lost, that everything embodied in part of me will be gone forever. The years following college were a bit like that. The seams of a new season were already pressed shut around me but I so desperately wanted to go back to what I knew best. I missed the structure and scholarly stimulation of higher education. I missed the freedom, with limits, that college afforded. My new responsibilities and the endless possibilities made me uncomfortable.

I’ve added a couple more dolls since then. I established a wonderful community of friends in California. I dated, then married, Tim. We moved to Idaho. We became homeowners. We began chipping away at developing a new community. Each of those new layer was added with mixed feelings, some more mixed than others. And now what seems like the biggest change of all, parenthood, is forcing another changing of the guards with my Russian dolls.

The adventurous, newlywed, Emily is having a hard time being shut into darkness. She keeps reminding me of the great things about herself – freedom, energy, possibilities – and the other dolls nested inside her. With such a drastic life change approaching, it’s difficult not to look back instead of forward, to see the things I am giving up instead of things I am gaining. I want to celebrate the things ahead, but am having a hard time letting go of the things behind. And that makes me feel guilty, especially because what lies ahead is truly a joyous thing.

But as I look back on those nestled dolls with sadness at what I can’t get back, I realize that too is part of the process. I cried over the loss of my intimate circle of friends when we moved. I cried about acclimating to a new church culture. Even marriage, something I had longed and prayed for, came with it’s own set of things to cry about as Tim and I adjusted to one another. I’ve shed tears about being pregnant, too.

I’m learning that grief is good. And because grief is good, I can let go of the guilt. Grief, without the guilt, is what makes us able to move forward with joy.

A vital aspect to living in the present is learning how to grieve and how to grieve well…When your life is going to change, there needs to be an acknowledgement of what is changing.

Kristin Ritzau | A Beautiful Mess | 144-145

My pregnancy wasn’t planned, but I expected my emotions to react like having a baby was all part of the blueprint I had drafted in my head. The quicker I tried to shove myself into this new season, the bigger and more unruly I became. Had I allowed myself to fully mourn the loss of my life plan, it may not have taken me so long to begin accepting God’s plan.

Twenty-six weeks in and my dolls are finally settling into their new home. I still have to process my new identity as a mom on a regular basis, but now when my former selves get angsty, I allow myself space and time to grieve with them. I acknowledge the changes ahead, open my hands for God to take what I’ve been holding onto, and accept whatever He gives to replace it (which is always better than I could ask or imagine!).

photo credit: backpackphotography & Rdoke via photopin cc

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