Hug Me: Learning Your Husband’s Love Language

February 11, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 18 Comments

Tim and I had our first love language conversation on June 13th, 2012. I remember the date because it’s my brother’s birthday AND because it was the first time, 3 days after we started dating, that Tim and I held hands.

The glorious feeling of his warm, strong fingers circling my own, always cold, hand may have influenced my love language conclusions during that first discussion.

I readily stated that among words of affirmation and acts of service, one of my love languages was physical touch. I figured that heady feeling whenever Tim wrapped his arm around me or kissed my forehead was a sure sign I heard love through physical affection.

My conclusions were sorely misguided.

Tim, on the other hand, was completely accurate when he said his love language was physical touch. This discrepancy has been a source of struggle for me since we got married. I love Tim, but I like to love him the way I love in general – through words of affirmation and acts of service – not through physical touch.

I do my love for Tim a diservice by not speaking his love language. It’s also dangerous if Tim doesn’t hear my love. I’ve learned that one of the greatest acts of service you can give your husband is learning his love language and speaking it fluently.

Service takes sacrifice and it’s a sacrifice to put his love language above the one you naturally give. It’s so challenging, yet so worth it.

Hug Me!

Our Story: Hug Me!

As I shared above, I discovered the importance of learning Tim’s love language when I realized ours were so vastly different. I’m an internal processor, so when I’m upset or frustrated, I’d rather be alone. I’ll avoid physical contact or, if Tim captures me in a hug before I can cold shoulder my way out of it, I’ll stand there lifeless in his arms. (I’m cringing as I admit this.)

In those moments, when an intentional display of physical affection is intrusive to my processing, Tim needs that hug or hand on his back to know that we are alright. For Tim, physical touch is less about sexual intimacy and more about physical closeness. Hugs feel safe and reassuring. Holding hands or rubbing his neck communicates the “good” status of our relationship. Without these, he feels isolated and unloved.

It was disheartening to realize that the way I deal with conflict and express my affection both communicated the exact opposite of love to Tim. Learning Tim’s love language has been difficult for me, and actually speaking it is a daily choice that I don’t always choose. Both Tim and I are just embarking on the journey of learning to speak each other’s love languages.

The Choice To Serve

Whether love languages is new to you or old news, serving your husband in this way is vitally important to maintaining a healthy marriage.

Have a candid conversation about love languages. Get the book if you need somewhere to start. Share how you give and receive love.
Be honest and specific about your love language. It’s important that you both recognize each others expressions of love. Finish sentences like: “Love is when I do…” and “Love is when I say…”.
Acknowledge and appreciate your husband’s love language. You can’t change the way your spouse is wired. God made him that way.
Accept love from his love language. I know I’m suggesting that spouses should learn and speak their partner’s love language, but your husband may not be there quite yet. If he isn’t speaking your love language, pray for receptivity towards the way he gives love. Grace is an important player as you learn to give and receive love.
Be intentional about learning his love language. It’s not something that will come naturally. For me, this looks like reaching out first, random acts of physical affection, and, in conflict, staying physically present.
Practice! When I studied abroad in Italy, I didn’t learn to speak Italian in the classroom. I learned Italian by living with an Italian family, having conversation dates with an Italian friend, and forcing myself to use Italian while ordering my cappuccino. It was rough and embarrassing at first, but by the time I left Italy, I was conversationally fluent. The same goes for learning a love language. It takes time and practice in real life situations, but fluency is possible.

All of this is still difficult for me. I outlined this post on Sunday morning and then failed miserably at exactly what I was writing about almost immediately. Hence the need for grace in this whole process.

Apology and HUGS later, I was even more convinced that speaking Tim’s love language was one of the best ways to serve my husband.

~~~

Pop on over to these blogs to read what they have to say about service in marriage:

Kayse
Monica
Kelly
Jamie

Check out the other posts in this series: Communication. Laughter. Sex

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Paper Bag Valentine

February 9, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 1 Comment

Brown paper bags, aka the common lunch sack, are a combination of some of my favorite things: natural fibers, utility, and endless crafty possibilities.

I made Christmas cards from paper bags this holiday season and couldn’t wait for another occasion to create more. Valentines Day seemed like the perfect venue for a sweet, simple card.

Help your kids make a batch for classmates. Use them as place cards for a Valentines dinner party. Surprise your spouse with a gift card to a favorite store tucked inside.

Not only are the uses endless, the design is totally customizable. The look is totally up to you and your taste. Gather your paper scraps or go to a craft store to get a pack of matching scrapbook pa

My favorite part of the design is the little pocket created by folding the bottom of the bag inward and gluing the sides. It’s the best little nook for a gift card or love note, even a mini Hershey’

Paper Bag Valentine’s Day Card

Here’s a list of dimensions for the paper scraps:

1 (3″ x 4 3/4″)
1 (2 3/4″ x 4 3/4″)
1 (3 1/2″ square)
2 (3 1/4″ square)

You’ll need:

Brown paper bag
Paper scaps – patterned or plain to your taste and design
Glue
Scissors

Instructions:

Please excuse the patch of carpet showing in the video – I’m new to this video thing :)

Refer to the Christmas Card post if you want written instructions.

Bare {Five Minute Friday}

February 8, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 3 Comments

Oddly enough, I was in the shower yesterday wondering if “naked” had ever been the prompt for Five Minute Friday. Lisa-Jo and I must have been on the same wave length.

Naked speaks of the physical and bare speaks of the spiritual.

I would never be in a nudist colony, but if you can get past your own inhibitions, being naked is freeing. There’s nothing between you and the air. You’re open to the element and it feels natural.

Being bare is freeing too. Letting your soul take flight with no shame.

My friend Sarah was talking to a group of high school girls about womanhood a few years ago, emphasizing the need to be naked and unashamed. It was the first time I really equated nakedness with vulnerability.

It was good for Adam and Eve to be naked – they were bare to themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When sin attached shame to their nakedness, they hid. They hid their bodies with clothes and they hid their souls from connecting fully with God.

Had Adam and Eve been open and honest immediately, maybe things would have turned out differently.

We were made to be bare.

We were made to expose our hearts without shame. God craves an intimacy that can only develop when we let Him uncover us. We crave intimacy with people that can only develop when we uncover our hearts to other people.

One of the greatest (and challenging) acts of service we can give to another is to be bare, to be vulnerable, to reveal our brokenness. In our spiritual nakedness, we shed the layers of us so others can see the core of Christ in us.

{Confession: I wrote for more than 5 minutes.}

A Spiritual Third Place?

February 7, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 4 Comments

My brother worked for the Big Green Machine (Star-biz-ucks or just The Bucks in our family’s vernacular) for years. We would laugh at the lengths to which Starbucks would go to create the perfect coffee shop environment. Tim (yes, brother and hubs have the same name) is by no means a corporate kind of guy so he found the “third place” concept a bit eye-rolling.

Starbucks’ goal was to be the place people went when they weren’t at home or at work, the place people chose to meet and hang out, the place you felt most comfortable. His vehemence at the third place protocol was definitely amusing and I, too, rolled my eyes at the effort Starbucks put in to being people’s home away from home.

Then I began to travel and realized just how comforting a little slice of familiarity can be when you’re in a different state or a different country. In a sea of quaint English tea shops or Italian cafes, sometimes you just need a green mermaid on your to-go cup.

I was working in Massachusetts this past week and after a few days alone in a new city, eating PB&J made in my hotel room, I yearned for a sense of home. I let my iPhone lead me to the nearest Starbucks. The familiar scent of freshly ground coffee struck me the minute I pushed through the doors. Computer open, Vanilla Spice Latte in hand, I was less aware of being 2,700 miles from home.

Starbucks isn’t my third place because I’m some sort of coffee snob, it’s mostly because I’ve built memories around being in a Starbucks.

Isn’t that what comfort derives from? Familiarity. Good memories. A sense of reassurance.

My Spiritual Third Place

As I was reflecting on my third place experience from the past week, I realized Starbucks wasn’t the only thing I turned to for comfort when I felt out of place.

God is a consistent presence in my life and has been a very real source of peace as I’ve traveled the globe. On a train, in a plane, or in a lonely hotel room, I find deep comfort and reassurance from reading Scripture.

The Psalms are my spiritual third place. Within the Psalms, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness to me and generations before me. Those memories make my heart feel at home.

My emotions find companionship in the Psalmists who let their songs flow with honesty and intensity. Whether born out of fear, joy, strife, or praise, the Psalms are melodies made of very human feelings. They are feelings I can relate to and the very fact that the words are there, printed in my Bible, draw me closer into God’s arms.

So, when I am slipping between the sheets of a strange bed, wishing the vast space to my left wasn’t empty, I can read a Psalm and know that I’m not alone.

Where is your third place?

A spiritual third place has been more important in my life than a physical third place.

Do you have one a spiritual third place? What about our Lord makes you feel at home?

Rosemary Lemon Sugar Cookies

February 6, 2013 ~ Emily ~ 8 Comments

Oh my heavens. I love rosemary. It has quickly become one of my favorite herbs. Luckily, my husband loves it just as much as I do. After making some rosemary candied bacon, I was dreaming of all the other ways I could infuse rosemary into foods we enjoy.

I originally thought about adding rosemary to my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe (which I will probably still try), but I decided sugar cookies would be the perfect vehicle for some herb infusion.

Unless we were decorating cut out sugar cookies, my mom always made World’s Best Sugar Cookies. I’m not sure where the recipe came from, but these soft, chewy pillows of sugary goodness definitely live up to the name. I updated this classic recipe to include rosemary and lemon.

Rosemary Lemon Sugar As I was dreaming of this cookie, I was reminded of a lemon cream scone recipe that further influenced the flavors. The scone is topped with a mixture of lemon zest and sugar, which I thought would be easy to replicate in the sugar cookie’s outer layer. I rolled my sugar cookie dough in a mixture of sugar, lemon zest, and minced fresh rosemary.

Minced fresh rosemary goes into the cookie dough as well as the sugar coating. A hint of lemon zest complements the earthy spice of rosemary. These are just perfect.

I must admit, they taste delicious straight from the freezer too. Tim and I have topped warmed up cookies with vanilla ice cream and we’ve also enjoyed them with buttercream sandwiched in the middle.

Rosemary Lemon Sugar Cookies

This recipe does require chilling. You can make the dough ahead of time and chill overnight. Cookies freeze really well.

Cookie Dough

1/2 cup (1 stick) salted butter, softened

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 egg

1/2 cup oil

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 1/2 cups flour

1 teaspoon minced fresh rosemary

Cookie Coating

1/2 teaspoon minced fresh rosemary

zest of 1/2 lemon, approx 1/2-1 teaspoon

1/4 cup granulated sugar

In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream butter, powdered sugar, and granulated sugar. Add egg and beat until smooth.

In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, salt, 1 teaspoon minced rosemary, baking soda, and cream of tartar.

Add half the dry ingredients to the butter mixture. Beat until just combined and add the oil and vanilla. Mix in the remaining flour mixture.

Cover dough with plastic wrap and chill at least two hours for easy handling.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheet with parchment paper.

When the dough is chilled, use a large cookie scoop to form 24 dough balls.

Stir rosemary, lemon zest, and sugar together using a fork to make sure the zest is evenly distributed.

Roll cookie balls in sugar mixture.

Bake 10-12 minutes. Let cool on pan for a couple minutes than transfer to wire racks to cool completely.

Yield: 2 dozen

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